FMA IDOL!
by lallyzippo
Summary: FINISHED. The hostages were freed. Crack. OOCness.
1. Baby Hit me one more time!

**Hello! I do not own FMA, but I like it……..so here's a story!**

"Whoa…..Where are we?" Mustang groaned.

"Ouch…..I dunno……". Ed got up and rubbed his sore butt.

"I feel like was hit with a minivan!"

"Quit complaining Fury! Oh, and Hello!"

"Oh No! ANYONE BUT YOU!" the FMA crew screamed.

"What! Are you saying you don't love me?"

"NO!"

"Last time you zapped us someplace Breda won a car! AND HE NEARLY KILLED US ALL!" screamed Envy.

I shrugged."Hey, I didn't know he was banned from driving since an incident in highschool!"

"Don't mention that…."

We stared at Breda for a few minutes.

"OOOOOOOOkaaaaaaaay…….Anywho, guess what you guys! You're gonna be on FMA Idol!"

"Huh? What's that?" Ed asked.

Mustang tried to cover up Ed's mouth. "Don't ask her questions!"

"Too late! It's where people audition to become singing sensations!"

They stared at me like I was insane (which I am).

"Are you kidding?" they all shouted. Well, actually, it was only Ed who shouted, because everyone else was freaking out or staring at me like I was insane (which I am, as I have said before).

"Don't you wish I was?"

"Yes…." answered Winry.

"That was a rhetorical question……."

"Oh…….."

"Well, anyways, here's the stage!" I snapped my fingers and the whole FMA crew and I ended up in Hollywood with a crowd cheering.

"Uhhhhhhhh, where are we?" Al asked as he looked around.

"Why, Al, we're in Hollywood! And here are your judges!" I snapped my fingers and the judges appeared. "Introducing your judges, our favorite dawg, Randy Jackson!"

Randy did a peace sign. "Yo, s'up dawgs!"

"The lovely, Paula Abdul!"

Paula started blowing kisses to the audience and Mustang when realized that he was winking at her.

"Grrrr….."Hawkeye pulled out her gun and pointed it at Paula. Then the whole audience got quiet.

"Sorry Hawkeye!" I snapped my fingers and the gun turned into microphone.

"Huh? Why'd you do that!"

"First off: no killing, well I can, but nobody else can. Second: I've decided you're going to sing first!"

Hawkeye stared out at the crowd. Suddenly, it seemed as if her legs turned to rubber.

"I, erm, uh….."

"Well, SING ALREADY!" yelled a British voice.

"Hmm?" The FMA crew turned around to see Simon.

"Who is that?" Armstrong looked at him disapprovingly.

Paula grabbed him. "My fiancé!"

We just stared at them for a second. There were crickets chirping (ALWAYS a bad sign!).

Simon looked at her. "No I'm not…….."

Everything quiet. "I wish you were!" Paula cried as she ran out crying.

"Ummmmmm, are you gonna tell us who the guy is?" Lust gave me a look.

"Psh. Fine. Ladies and gents give it up for Simon Cowell!"

"WOOH! Yeah! OW OW!"

"Okay! Hawkeye it's time!"

Hawkeye looked around frantically. "Ummmm, there isn't a third judge!"

"Oh yeah….""Good point….""Who cares?"

"Hmmmmm, oh I know! My best friend in the whole wide world!"

"Oh great….I have no time for this!" Scar pulled out his Alchemy hand and ran towards me.

"SECURITY!"

"Eh?" Scar turned around only to be hit with a tranquilizer dart. "Uhh…." He fell over started sleeping like a baby.

"I gotta get this!" Ed took out a camera and started taking digital pictures.

"Where was I? Oh yeah!" I snapped my fingers and my best friend appeared.

"Huh? Where am I? Oh, hey you."

"Wanna be a judge for FMA Idol?"

"Sh-yeah!"

"Okay! We're ready!"

"Oh, great……what am I singing?"

"Hmmmm, Baby Hit Me One More Time!"

"YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!"

"OOO!" Ed pulled out his digital camera again.

"FullMetal! I order you to put that away!" she screamed.

"Yeah, like I'm gonna miss this!"

"If you do I'll tell Winnery about the time I found you in her closet trying on her lacy b-"

"OKAY!"

"WHAT! What were you doing in my closet!"

"Erm……"

"Hawkeye, you're up!"

Hawkeye sighed. She walked up to the stage and the music started playing.

"-But I must confess I still believe (still believe)

When I'm not with you I loose my mind!

Gimme a sign!

Baby hit me one more time! (BOOM!)"

The crowd cheered and roared.

"Okay! Randy! Whaddya think?"

"That was a great first performance! I was totally feel'in it dawg!"

"Emily?"

"THAT WAS FRIGGIN GREAT! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOUR IN THE GOVERNMENT AND CAN SING THAT GOOD! BUT YOU'RE IN THE GOVERNMENT! I CAN'T TRUST YOU! TRAAAAAIIIIIITTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOR!"

Everyone was kinda freaked out by Emily.

"Ummmmm, Em? Did the government spike your cocoa again?"

"WHO TOLD YOU?" She gave me the shifty eyes.

"Ummmmmmm, okay……..Simon?"

"If you sang that song in a chicken coop, the hens would lay eggs just to throw them at you."

"So you liked it?"

"Yes, very much."

"Okay! That was Hawkeye! Let's hear it!"

"HAWKEYE! HAWKEYE! HAWKEYE!" the crowd chanted as Hawkeye walk off the stage waving.

Mustang stopped her on her way out. "Wanna sing that song again for me?"

Hawkeye didn't look back. She just punched him.

"Alright you ready for our next contestant!"

"YEAH!"

"Okay, next is Scar!" I looked at Scar and he was still out.

"Ummmmmm, actually, we'll get back to him. Next is……..hmmmmmmm, heh,heh, oh, Fury!"

"Eh?"

**Okay, how'd you like it! And I called my friend Emily to protect her real name. Yes she has a name! Review!**


	2. Omigosh Fury

Okay, thanks to all who reviewed and especially to Bloody Cross and Tsume's Eternal Girl 1. You guys had great ideas!

P.S. I'm typing the story in different way this time, so hopefully it will be easier to follow.

Fury: M-My turn!

Me: Yup! C'mon!

Ed: Oh, boy!

Ed took out his digital camera.

Hawkeye: What is it with you and that digital camera?

Ed: I have an entire website devoted to revenge.

Al: Really…………So you were the one who showed everyone those pictures!

Ed: Which ones?

Al: BROTHER!

Me: Really can I see?

Ed: Sure!

I walked over to see a picture of Al with his metal foot stuck in the toilet.

Me: Ummm, probably shouldn't be asking this, but why would you need to…..um, you know….

Al: I didn't…..Ed didn't like my cat so he….FLUSHED HIM DOWN THE TOILET!

Al couldn't take it. He broke down crying.

Lust: So THAT'S what happened to your cat!

Ed: Oh, he'll live a better life in the sewer!

Al: I looked everywhere for him! Poor Fluffy!

Envy: Wait a minute…..

Al: Did you see him!

Gluttony: Did he have an orange spot his butt?

Al: You saw him!

Gluttony: No……..

Al broke down again.

Simon: Could we _please_ get on with it?

Me: Yeah, hold on.

We ended up waiting another hour for the therapist to arrive a help Al. After Al and Mr. Twinkles went back stage to fix some "personal issues" we were ready to go!

Emily: ARE WE FRIGGIN READY TO GO YET! YES WE ARE! OKAY FURY GO AHEAD AND SH-ING!

Me: Um, are you drunk?

Emily: YESH……..UHHHH……..

Mustang: Are you sure it's okay for her to be judging?

Me: Would you rather me conger up my other friend?

Everyone (except Scar because, surprisingly, the tranquilizer knocked him out for some time…..): Nooooooooo!

Me: Okay then! Fury it's time to sing-

Emily: BYE, BYE, HIC-BYE!

Fury: WHAT!

Me: Okay! Lights, music, let's roll!

The music started playing, so Fury turned around and tapped his feet to the music and when the singing part came on, he turned around and he had these really cool sunglasses on.

Fury: Bye-Bye-Bye!

Everything was really quiet after the song.

Me: Umm, ooooookaaaay………what did ya think judges?

Randy: Ummmmmmm, I think you should……join the military……

Fury: I am in the military……

Randy: That would explain it.

Emily:…………….

Emily was so drunk she had passed out WAY before the song was over.

Me:……….Okay! Simon , you?

Simon was crying.

Fury: YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT!

Me: Look around you!

Fury looked up and realized there were no people whatsoever anywhere in the audience. He also noticed later that the rest of the FMA crew left and went to the therapy room with Al.

Okay there! Another chapter! Review! Review! And, yes, Ed does like that camera.


	3. Breakdancing and sexiness

**Hello! I do not own FMA! But I'm writing this story for everyone's amusement! Sorry it's been awhile! I think you'll like this one though!**

After about five more hours, we were ready to go! Scar had woken up, Al was no longer in therapy, and I had to take Emily home because she started hurling on Simon. So Paula came back, except we had to put a small "wall" between her and Simon because her obsession with him was on the border of psychotic………..

Simon: Alright who's next?

Paula: IS THAT SIMON! WHERE IS HE!

Me: No, Simon is…not here…….

Paula: But I heard his-

Me: HE'S NOT HERE!

Paula: Okay…….

Me: Whew, okay, who's next?

Everyone was really quiet.

Me: Mustang?

Mustang: I uh……have business to attend to…

Mustang ran offstage.

Hawkeye: Where's he going?

Breda: I told him to lay off the chili.

Me: Um, ew……

Ed: What is it with him and Mexican food?

Ed managed to get a shot of Mustang as he ran to the, uh, facilities.

Hawkeye: What is it with you and that camera?

Ed: I told you, I have a website for revenge.

Al: I'll sing!

Al rubbed his new kitty, Mr. Bigglesworth.

Ed: Al! Get rid of that stupid cat!

Al: NEVER!

Ed chased Al around the stage and outside.

Scar: Will they be alright?

As Scar said this we heard a "splat" noise.

Me: Uhh, I think they need to sort out some "brotherly issues".

Winry: Yeah……….good idea…….

Scar: Ugh.

Winry: My turn! I've always wanted to be a superstar!

Armstrong: But, Winry, I thought you wanted to be the best auto-mailist ever……

Hawkeye: And she told me she wanted to be a circus freak……..

Winry: They're CLOWNS! And besides I can be the best Super-singing-clown-auto-mail-engineer ever!

Armstrong: Not to mention the only………

Winry: Shuddap ya old man!

Hawkeye: Don't talk to him like that!

Winry: You're gonna protect him are ya!

Hawkeye: Oh, it's ON!

Suddenly Hawkeye had on these rapper's clothes and started break-dancing.

Randy: Hit the music, dawgs!

Envy pulled out a stereo and it looked like Gluttony had punk clothes on and decided to become the D.J.

Winry had her punk clothes on and started doing all these flips and break-dance moves.

Meanwhile………………

Al: What's that?

Ed: It sounds like rap and/or hiphop music….

Al looked at Mr. Bigglesworth.

Al: You wike wap music don't you? You cute widdle ting!

Ed twitched.

Ed: Wait a minute…..I think I hear……..is that the crowd chanting Winry's name? I gotta get back there with my digital camera!

Back at FMA Idol……..

Crowd: WINRY! WINRY! WINRY! WOOH!

Winry finished all her flips and moves and then threw up her hat into the crowd. All the guys started fighting over it. Hawkeye, utterly defeated walked offstage with her head hanging. Winry had tears in her eyes.

Winry: I've discovered another life-long dream!

Armstrong: What to be street-scum?

Winry was about ready to strangle him.

Winry: Think you're so smart, huh! You sing!

Armstrong: Very well! I will show you how to sing!

Me: Alrighty then! Armstrong, you will sing-

Armstrong: Actually, I had something in mind…

Me: Erm, okay…….

Armstrong got up on the stage and pulled off his shirt.

Armstrong: I'm too Sexy for my shirt!

I'm so sexy that it hurts!

After the song, the place really stunk. If you want to know why, it's because everyone was throwing up everywhere.

Some person in the Crowd: Bleh………Th-that was…….

The civilian soon realized that yak was raining on his head.

Some person in the crowd: Hey!

Ed: Sorry…bleh……

Ed and Al were near the top of the theater.

Ed: I feel sorry that Al can't puke…….

Al: BROTHER!

Ed: Bleh…..yeah?

Al: Mr. Bigglesworth is lying upside down and his foot is twitching!

Ed: Really!

Ed pulled out his digital camera.

Al: ED!

Al immediately got into a fetal position and tried his best to suck his thumb. Ed took a picture of him, too.

Back on the stage………….

Randy and I were holding onto each other out of fear. Paula had passed out, and Simon was hurling uncontrollably.

Me: SECURITY!

Security came and took Armstrong away and put him on of those little padded rooms. And that's how Armstrong began the Psychotic Peoples Revival. But that's another story.

Me: Well, we should really clean this place up……..

We actually ended up going to Baseball stadium.

Me: Whew………okay now it's Mustang's turn!

Lust: Where is he?

Everybody looked around.

Me: I ………….don't know!

Back at the old FMA Idol theater………..

Mustang: Help! I'm locked in!

**Did'ya like it? Time to REEEEEVIEEEWW!**


	4. Fangirls attack!

**I do not own FMA! And thanx for all your reviews! I really appreciate them!**

Me: Uh, oh…..This is NOT good……..

Hawkeye: What? It's no big deal, WINRY can just sing instead.

Hawkeye gave Winry a "look". Winry returned the glare.

Winry: If you try that again I'll kick your butt like I did before!

Hawkeye: Fine then!

Me: NOOOOO! NO MORE BREAKDANCING!

Ed: But I missed it and I wanted to get some pictures…….

Me: NO!

Ed: Okay….

Breda: But seriously, what's wrong with Mustang being gone?

Lust looked at them all with a terrified look in her eyes.

Lust: You don't know!

Scar gulped. Then he whispered: Angry Fangirls……..

Almost immediately after Scar had uttered the words, the ground began to shake. They could hear chanting outside getting closer, and closer, and closer, and closer, and…..well, you get the idea.

Fangirls: WHERE'S ROY! WHERE'S ROY! WHERE'S ROY!

Then, through the doors and over the walls poured…….ANGRY FANGIRLS!

Breda: EEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Me: Quickly!

Envy: We have to get to higher ground!

He looked up at the sky.

Envy: Or…..at least the suites!

Meanwhile……..

Mustang: Help! I can't get out!

Even if he DID feel ten pounds lighter, he needed to get out of the bathroom!

Mustang: THAT'S IT!

BOOM! Mustang used his fire alchemy to melt the lock.

Mustang: Ha! Much better now to get back to-

Mustang stood shocked at the sight before him. EVERYTHING was covered in yak. Mustang could feel his lunch coming up. He gripped his mouth.

Mustang: BATHROOM!

Mustang ran in hurled in the toilet.

Mustang: Ahhh, much better.

Mustang walked over to the door to leave and realized the melted lock had melted over the door and sealed it shut.

Mustang: WHAT!NO NONONONONONO! Help! I'm locked in!

Back with the Fangirls……………..

Fangirls: WHER'S ROY! WHERE'S ROY!

They were like zombies……….with shirts that had pictures of Roy Mustang on them.

We were fighting them off one by one.

Hawkeye: There's too many of them!

Hawkeye punched various fangirls out of the way.

Scar: We've made it to the suites!

He shut the door and he and Gluttony did their best to hold it shut.

Ed was taking pictures.

Breda: Fullmetal! Now is not the time!

Ed: But this will so totally embarrass Mustang!

They all heard a beeping noise. Ed looked down at his camera.

Ed: NOOOOOOOO! IT'S OUT OF FILM!

Ed immediately got into fetal potion.

Al: BROTHER!

Al went to go pick Ed up, but then he realized fangirls were climbing up the stadiums chairs, to their suite!

Winry: Take this! HIYA!

Winry flung her wench like a boomerang. It knocked off plenty of fangirls, but there were still more to come.

Lust: Hmmmmmm? Where's Fury!

They all looked down and saw Fury drowning in a mob of fangirls!

Breda: Fury!

Fury: Help!

Breda: I won't let you die Fury!

Fury was going deeper and deeper under the fangirls.

Fury: I love you, Winrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyy………

Fury went under.

Ed immediately got out of fetal position. Ed: WHAT! ONLY I CAN LOVE WINRY!

Ed was knocked out by an incoming wrench.

Winry: I'll save you Fury!

Winry jumped bravely down to the swarm of fangirls.

Lust sniffed. Lust: She's so brave!

I handed Hawkeye a trumpet. Me: Go on! Play that song to honor Winry!

Hawkeye: This is dumb!

Hawkeye threw the trumpet and jumped down with Winry.

Me: This sucks……

Envy: Yeah, there's no military people left to play the trumpet.

Gluttony: What about Breda?

Scar: Ahem.

Scar pointed to the window. Breda was up against it and screaming something, while being surrounded by fangirls.

Envy: I can read lips! Okay, um, he says, "Help me! I think they cracked my spin-oh no, wait, that's spine……I'm allergic to their perfume………they're saying, 'where's Roy?'".

Gluttony: Never mind…….

Anyways, Winry and Hawkeye jumped down to the fangirls.

Hawkeye: We're in this together!

Winry: Right!

They landed with a kick that knocked out some fangirls. They immediately got into ninja position. Winry started using breakdance moves to knock out some fangirls, while Hawkeye pulled out a reverse-blade-sword and started acting like kenshin.

Back up in the suites…………..

Me: We're not gonna make it!

Lust: Who are those guys?

We saw two guys in gray uniforms being strangled by various fangirls.

Me: Oh no! The janitors!

Scar: Goodbye………

Envy: Nooooo! Wait, we're like enemies aren't we?

Scar: Yes.

Envy: Okay, I take back what I said………

We had lost all hope but then………

Mustang: Whew, well I'm here!

Mustang then noticed all the fangirls.

Mustang: Huh? 0.o;

They all turned around. Fangirls: ROOOOOOOOOYYYYYYY!

I took out my digital camera and started taking pictures of Mustang running away from a mob of fangirls with toilet paper on his shoe.

Mustang ran outside the stadium and jumped in a taxi.

Mustang: FLOOR IT!

The taxi drove away.

Mustang: Whew that was close……..

The driver turned around. To Mustang's horror, guess who the driver was……..

Fangirl: HI ROOOOY!

Mustang: AHHHHHHH!

**Poor Mustang nn" oh well! Review!**

**And this one is for ****Tsume's Eternal Girl 1!**

**Ed and Emrald: I'm Proud to an American where at least I know I'm free!**


	5. Where the hell is everyone?

**Yo! Thank you for da reviews! Here's another chapter! WARNING: ED HAS REGAINED HIS CAMERA! And for all Ed fans, Ed will be singing a song from the Dixie Chicks! XD**

**Thanx for writing me a review Kendra! (And thanks for leaving me with the guys…. ;) I actually had a dream last night where I went to school, and my Computer report wasn't done! XP**

**Also, I will be writing the story in different format, so tell me if it's okay or not! ;) Rating went up for gender confusion, sexual harassment, and mild language.**

**Diclaimer: I DO NOT OWN FMA, but I like it **

Well, it took a LONG time to get Mustang back and revive Fury, Breda, and Scar. We had to put Ed into Mr. Twinkle's therapy again, because of the loss of his precious camera and Winry, who was now in love with Fury. And everyone else was basically worn out, and if you checked the hours in the chapters, you'd see why. Chapter 1: none, Chapter 2: 1 hour, Chapter 3: around 6 hours, Chapter 4: about 2 hours. So i took them over to my place to stay the night.

"This is your house?" Scar inspected my huge 5 story house (A/N: yeah, I wish)

"Yup!"

He gave it a disapproving look. "...It's hideous..."

"WHA? Better than living in little tents!"

"What was that?"

"Oh boy!" Ed whipped out his new cell phone with a camera built in and started taking pictures. Hawkeye twiched.

"Must...not...destroy...GAH!"

Hawkeye pulled out her gun and fired randomly in Ed's direction.

"Ahh!"

"Brother!"

"You're pathetic!" Envy scoffed.

"You wanna bet chicken boy!" Scar yelled pulling his sleeves up.

"I'm a woman!"

Lust was shocked. "HUH?"

Breda tried to act smart. "I knew he was a woman-or, wait-I knew she was a man, I mean..."

Envy had had enough. "YOU'RE ALL GOIN' DOWN!"

Mustang was about to light everyone on fire. "Bring it on little girl!"

"I'm a guy!"

Hawkeye (along with everyone else) was confused. "But you said..."

"Wait..."Envy stopped to think a moment. "Oh, whatever, LET'S FIGHT!"

"HIYA!"

So we all got into a huge fight, except for Gluttony, Winry, and Fury who just sat there watching. Well, actually, Winry and Fury sat there holding hands while Gluttony took digital pictures.

Obviously, this was making a lot of noise, so my mom came out to see a giant dust cloud with fists flying all around.

"Um, Jewel?"

We all stopped fighting.

The dustcloud stopped going in circles and came to a halt. "Oh, hi, Mom!"

"Get off of me...gasp...ALL OF YOU!" said a voice gasping for air.

We all realized that we were standing on Ed.

"...oh,well!" said Hawkeye cheerily.

She started stomping on Ed's back for the heck of it. Pretty soon, we were all doing the same thing.

"OO! OUCH!STOP-UH-IT!"

Al shyly poked Ed with his foot. "Hehe, this is fun!"

"AL!"

My mother's voice boomed across the neighborhood. "THAT'S ENOUGH!"

Everyone was pretty much terrified of my mother now, so they immediately stop fighting. Well, Ed took one more picture resulting in my mom taking his new cell phone away from him. So, he got into fetal position again, and we had to take everyone into the house so the neighbors wouldn't sue us.

"Jewel, what is going on?" my mom asked, very irritated.

"Well, you see……"

I went on to tell my mom about everything that happened at FMA idol and how they needed rest and that the judges wouldn't let them come to stay at their houses or offer a hotel room or something (well, Simon did offer Winry a nice box to sleep in).

"I can't imagine why," my mom said as she observed our guests.

Breda was cowering in the corner from our dog. "DOGDOGDOGDOGDOG!"

Lust was using my mom's nail file, which was now the size of a splinter. "Hmm, they need to make these more durable."

Scar was harassing my little brother. "Give me that man!" "No! This is MY Darth Vader!" "But I want him!" "NO!" "GIVE HIM HERE, OR I'LL BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT!" "WAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Gluttony was "checking" our fridge to see if it was "working properly". "Hey Gluttony!" I yelled. "Is it working?" "(munch) Uhh, I have to check more…….." "Okay then!"

"Um, Jewel, you can't keep them here."

"Why not?"

"Look at them!"

I looked at the chaos they were causing.

"I don't get it………."

Just then Envy came down in my mom's favorite dress. "Ahh……..this feels so……so, free!"

Ed came down to with his camera phone and took pictures. "Oh, yeah!"

My mom went pale. "Pornographers and cross-dressers! OUT!"

Later……………………

"I can't believe your mom kicked us out!" Al held his new kitty, Obi-Won Kenobi.

"I guess she just has problems with Alchemy or something……" I sighed. "Hey Ed, hand me my cell phone would y- eh?" I turned around to realize that no one was there. "Oh crap! Where'd they go!"

At McDonalds…………….

"Mommy! WAAAAAAAAA!" A child ran to his mom in fear of the suit of armor in the colored play-things.

"WEEEEE! This is fun!" Al screamed as slid down the slide. He failed to realize that he was completely destroying the entire playground.

"AL!"

Al looked down at me. "Oh! Hi! Wanna play with me?"

"Hhmmmmmmmm……….Okay!"

So I joined Al in completely destroying McDonald's playground (A/N: Mwhahahaha!). Soon the cops came.

"Oh crap! Run Al!"

I grabbed Al by his arm and attempted to run, but I realized in grabbing his arm I kinda ripped it off.

I could hear sobbing noises coming from the armor. "(sniff) You're mean! Gimme my arm!"

So Al chased me out of McDonalds, which worked out okay. We ended up at JCPenney's. We could hear screams coming from inside.

"GET OUT!"

Suddenly, Lust and Envy were literally shot out of the front doors.

"Guys! What the heck did you just do!"

Envy got up dusted him- er, um, her- uh, well……itself off. "Well, nothing really…….."

Lust looked him infuriated. "You were trying on the lacy bras in public you moron!"

"So? It's a free country!"

"But did you have to go around groping men!"

Al covered his ears. "I CAN'T HEAR YOU! LALALALALALALALALA!"

I twitched. "Um, that's sexual harassment……"

"Well……….at least I didn't ruin all the nail files……."

"I thought they were free samples….."

"Errrr………Oooooookaaaayyyyy………" I was officially freaked now. "I need to find the others, so don't leave okay!"

We walked around for a couple hours (A/N: 20 minutes actually) and we ran into Fury, who was at a fabrics shop. He was crying a little.

"Fury!"

He looked up to see me and the others. "Oh, hey guys……."

"What's wrong?" Al asked holding his traumatized kitty that was still in shock after the "playground incident".

"Oh, me and Winry are through."

Envy looked at him. "How could she break up with such a charming man?"

We all looked at Envy. "Okay, Envy, are you really a guy are a girl? Or a gay guy?" Lust asked who was pretty beat right now.

"Both. I change a lot."

Everyone just stared for a minute, and then we turned back to Fury. "Why?"

"Well, she never really liked me……….I just paid her 30 bucks to kiss me."

"Ohh………..then, why are you sewing?"

"Sewing helps me get over things……"

"You're so sensitive!" Envy squeaked.

Fury blinked. "Seriously………don't do that……."

So with Fury, we set off to find Ed, Mustang, Hawkeye, Winry, Gluttony, and Breda. We soon located Breda atop on of the plant at Home Depot, as he was escaping from a Chihuahua.

"Um, Breda? Why don't come down!" I yelled.

"Dog…….." he shivered. "Get it away…..AWAY!"

About then it spotted Obi-Won. Obi-Won hissed and ran away with the Chihuahua chasing after it.

"NOOOOO! KITTY!" Al screamed.

"Quick!" I ordered. "Pull his legs and arms off!"

So we made sure that Al couldn't get lost again, and looked for the rest of our group (again).

We EVENTUALLY found Winry and Mustang at JCPenney's again. They had the cashier cornered.

"So why won't you give us these mini-skirts for 50 percent off! It IS after all one of your 365 one-day only sales!" Mustang pointed his gun at the cashier's nose.

"Mustang, give it a rest." Winry looked impatient. "Why can't you just buy some nice sandals or something?"

"Because all the female soldiers have to wear something sexy!"

"Like, what? A skirt three inches from the knees?"

"NO! I will only allow mini-skirts that are three inches from the waist or higher!"

Winry looked freaked out. "That's sexual harassment!"

"Um, can I go now?" asked the cashier.

"NO! FIFTY PERCENT OFF OR DIE NOW!"

"OKAY!"

So after Mustang got his nice mini-skirts we left JCPenney's, we start looking for the others, AGAIN.

Lust was beginning to get very irritated by Envy and Mustang.

"TAKE OFF THE MIN-SKIRT!"

"No! Don't you think I look sexy?"

"NO! I WAS GOING TO FORCE THAT ON HAWKEYE LATER!"

Lust was pissed. "THAT'S ENOUGH!" She morphed her finger into giant knives and slashed through the mini-skirts.

"NO! MY MINI-SKIRTS!"

"And I looked so sexy too….."

I was getting tired of it all. Why the heck did I think bringing them to my hometown was a good idea! No. It was a bad idea. Very bad. I should've just made them sleep in that box Simon offered Winry! It WAS a nice box after all.

"Hey, Mustang," I asked, worn out, "Do you have an idea where Hawkeye might be?"

"Well, she did say she might go do some target practice…."

"WHAT!"

Envy stopped for a minute. "Wait, Gluttony said……….Uh, oh……."

At Applebee's…………………………………

A happy citizen walked out of the newly built Applebee's with his tummy full. "Ah, that was tasty!" He said happily. He looked at the giant inflatable apple that rested upon the roof of Applebee's. "Oh, I don't know what I'd do if something were to happen to you!"

Just as he said this, there was a VERY loud boom. He looked up again to see the giant apple deflating and flying around in the air. "What the hell?"

The giant apple fell onto the windshield of the limo of president of McDonalds (A/N: BWHAHAHAHA!) and the limo swerved and crashed.

"Who? WHO COULD'VE DONE THIS!" the once-happy citizen screamed as other Applebee-goers ran out of the place in panic as the place went up in flames. The citizen then turned to see a car driven by a blonde woman who had a gun and was flicking people off while a short kid took digital pictures with a cell phone and big, fat guy mooned people.

Where we were………….

Lust was on her nerves end. "What…..is……. it!"

Envy sweatdropped. "Um, I'll have to get back you on that……."

**So did ya like it? It did get a little more mature……..but I was bored……besides I just watched Mean Girls……….Well, anyways……REVIEW! I really do appreciate your reviews! And to Kendra: Screw you!**


	6. The 3 Stooges

**Yo! Sorry I haven't updated in like, over a month. I've just been watching a ton of sad stuff, and I haven't felt all funny…Well, anywho! Here's the update! Let's dance! Thank you for the reviews!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own FMA, but I do own this fic! So stop touching it!**

Finally, everyone was together again after I picked Hawkeye, Ed, and Gluttony up from the police department (except Armstrong, who shall remain in solitary confinement for the rest of his life). So, I snapped us all back to Hollywood, and luckily, the American (now FMA) Idol stadium thing was all cleaned up, and the bathroom lock was said to be fixed.

"Hello contestants! Did you sleep well?" asked Paula.

I looked up. "Yeah! The box was tiny but-"

"BECAUSE I DIDN'T! SOME FRIGGIN PERVERT STALKER KEPT SENDING ME SPAM MAIL!"

"There, there Paula," Randy patted her arm. "How many times have I said this? That was an email that was from Emily wanting her judge position back."

"……………Okay!" I grabbed a mike. "Are you guys ready to rock?"

"YEAH!"

"Wait!" Ed yelled. "Um, I'm more of a rapper…"

"Too bad! Because I've decided that you will go next! And you shall sing…A DIXIE CHICKS SONG! BWAHAHAHAHA!"

"NOOOOOOOO! How could you do this to me! How COULD YOU!"

"It was easy, I just said, 'And you sha-'"

"Oh, shut up!" Ed walked up to the microphone.

"Oh and to make things more interesting…" I snapped my fingers and Emily came back.

The FMA crew ran and hid. "AH! PLEASE NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!"

Emily looked around. "WEEEEEEEE! I'M BACK!"

"I'm doomed!" Ed screamed.

"Put him in a cowboy outfit!" some random fangirl screamed.

"Great idea!" I snapped my fingers and Ed was suddenly wearing cowboy boots, a cowboy hat, and a vest thing.

"Like I said, DOOMED!"

Hawkeye pulled out her digital camera and started taking pictures of Ed. "Muahahahaha! REVENGE!"

"Le gasp! Where did you find my camera!" Ed screamed.

"At K-Mart!"

"I knew it!" Ed snapped his fingers. "They've always been a cheap rip-off of Wal-Mart, and now, THIS! SCREW YOU K-MART!"

Ed ran out of the amphitheater with a pitchfork in his hand. "MUST…HAVE…..REVENGE!"

So after Ed's weirdness we just kinda stared for a few moments. "Um, what's with him?" I asked.

Al stared with the rest of us. "And this is why mom NEVER let him have sugar." Al rubbed his new cat, Frodo. "But Fwodo can have shwugar! Yes, hwe can!"

Everyone took little baby steps away from Al and his cat until there was a little empty circle around Al.

"Will, someone PLEASE just audition or sing something or whatever the heck it is we do here!" Simon yelled.

"LIKE WE SHOULD TOTALLY HAVE THE THREE (hic) STOOGES!"

"Great idea! Wow…I say that a lot…" So I snapped my fingers again and…"Wait, I don't need to snap my fingers! Lust, Gluttony, Envy, you're on!"

"What should we sing!" Lust asked spastically.

"Well, in your group you've got one girl, one guy, and some sort of manlady… maybe Envy could switch out a guy and a girl part and it might sound like a band with two guys and two girls…"

"Le gasp! I only did that in Drama class!"

"Oh, I remember that!" said Lust.

"I try not to…" remarked Gluttony.

"Uh, dawg I think you should stick to one lead singer, and two background singers."

"I'll be the lead singer!" Envy ran up. "And you'll be able to see my sexy miniskirt as well!"

Then the crowd started screaming. "AHHHH! IT BURNS! IT BURNSSSSS!"

"How 'bout Lust my wonderful Fiancé!" Paula hugged Simon.

"FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT YOUR FRICKEN FIANCE!"

"FINE! BE THAT WAY!" Paula, once again, ran out of the place crying.

Emily walked over to Paula's seat. "MUHAHAHAHA! GOVERNMENT, I HATH CONQUERED THEE! BLEHEHEHEHEEHEE…"

"…..I'll try to not think about that…Okay, Here's Lust and the background singers singing-"

"I would like to pick the song!" Lust yelled.

"No way! Remember what happened last time?"

I then saw everyone's faces go green. "NO-NO-NO! On second thought, DON'T REMEMBER! WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T REMEMBER!" I turned to Lust. "I'M picking the song!"

Lust morphed her fingers into claws and chopped through my coat. "Le gasp! That was me favorite coat!"

"I'll go for your Coca-Cola one too!"

"YOU WOULDN'T!"

"I would!"

"WILL YOU GUYS SHUT THE HELL UP AND SING SOMETHING?" Randy screamed.

"Uh, right!" The lights went all flashie and then the music started playing.

"I pray today is the day

that we make it through,

make it through the fall

make it through it all!

And I don't wanna fall to pieces,

I just wanna sit and stare at you,

I don't wanna talk about it.

And I don't wanna fall to pieces,

I just wanna sit and cry in front of you,

I don't wanna talk about it,

'cause I'm love with you!"

"WOOH! LUST! LUST! LUST!"

"WOW! Judges, what do you have to say?"

"Dawg that was amazing! The best I have EVER heard!"

"Thank ya, Randy! How 'bout you Em?"

"Government…….such beautiful voice……no! EVIL! GOVERNMENT! But…so pretty…"

"Erm, riiiight. Okay Simon!...OMIGOSH!"

I couldn't believe it. It… wasn't possible…it was! Simon…WAS CRYING OUT OF JOY!

Well, I stood there with my mouth gaping until a sparrow flew in it. "Eh? Pewwy! Bleh! Ahem. Anyways, GIVE IT UP FOR DIVA LUST! Oh, and her sidekick peoples…"

Envy put his/her hands on her/his hips. "Hey! I was the sexy one!"

"BOOOOOOOOOO!" The crowd started throwing assortments of veggies at him.

"I'll show you! GAH!" Envy morphed himself into Brittney Spears.

The crowd immediately stopped throwing veggies at Envy.

"…….Okay! Time for our next contestant!"

"I'LL BE READY!" Hawkeye pulled out a digital camera. "Muahahahaha…."

"OH NO!" Mustang screamed. "WE'VE LOST HER TO THE CURSE OF THE DIGITAL CAMERA!" He got down on his knees and started crying. Everyone then took little baby steps away from him until there was an empty circle around him.

"You guys came back to me widdle Fwodo!" Al squeaked as he rubbed his cat.

We started moving in the other direction but then realized Mustang was on the other side balling his eyes out.

"THERE'S NO WHERE TO RUN!" Breda screamed.

"Uhhh, time for our next contestant! I, using my superior psychic abilities have chosen-"

"SCAR! (hic)"

"…Okay, Em, are you _really_ against the government? Or are you SIDING WITH THEM?" I gave her the shifty eyes look.

"Uh, no comment…"

"I am!" Winry raised her hand. She pulled out a chart. "And the maximum security has changed from blue to YELLOW! And that means that something will happen somewhere at some point in time," she said with shifty eyes.

Just then the American Dad ran in. "Do you have permission to use that quote!"

"Umm, no…?"

"Alright, just checking." So Stan turned around and left.

"Okay, THAT was weird…" Breda said.

"Riiiight, well, Scar you're up!"

Scar walked up to the stage and said: "I just want you all to know that I will not be singing in this pathetic, childish survey. But if you do not vote for me, I will kill you all." Scar began to walk off the stage.

Simon sighed. "Well, at least he didn't sing."

When Scar heard that, he turned around with his alchemy hand starting up.

"NOOOO!" Suddenly, everything went all matrixy and I jumped up and kicked Scar in the chest and he flew back on stage.

"Well, thanks and all, but why'd you do that?" Simon asked.

"I need you in my other chapters so my fic can go on!"

"Fic? What fic!"

"Oops, I've said too much." I put on some black glasses, and MIB agents came down and used the flash-thingie.

" Woah…Where am I?" Simon asked.

"The cha-I mean show is about to end."

"Oh, well in that case, YOU ALL SUCKED HORRIBLY!"

"Yyyyeaaahhh….Well, that's all for tonight folks!"

"OOF!"

I looked down to find Ed in his cowboy outfit.

"Ed? What are you doing?"

"I DID IT! I CONQUERED K-MART! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Then we all saw the K-Mart employees, who were covered in black stuff, and most of them were bald. "GET THE SHORT GUY!"

So, K-Mart employees stampeded towards us.

"Quick run!" screamed Ed. He grabbed Frodo and threw him at the K-Mart employees.

"NOOOOOO! KITTY!" Al screamed as we all ran for our lives.

**Sorry I haven't updated in forever. I am really sorry! Thing is, I've also been working on some other fics and an actual story. In case you were wondering, that song was called "Fall to Pieces" by Avril Lavigne. I got some of these funny parts from the genius (and craziness) that is Unot forums. Review please! Also, I would really appreciate it if you would read and review my other fics!**


	7. DAMN PLOT HOLES!

**Time for another chapter of FMA Idol!**

**Disclaimer: FMA roxers my boxers! Too bad I don't own it.**

The K-Mart Employees chased me and the FMA crew around the amphitheater a couple times. Then Ed stopped in his tracks. "HA! You won't get the best of me, you Wal-Mart rip-offs, you!" Ed picked up Winry and held her out to the people. "LOOK OUT! I'VE GOT A SKANK!" Ed waved her around.

"Ahhh!" All the K-Mart employees were magnetically pulled to Winry.

"OOF! Ow, that-HEY! That is not yours to touch!" she yelled as bodies attached to hers.

"HAHAHAHA!" Ed laughed and laughed as he waved Winry and the body masses around. About then Envy and Mustang flew over and got attached to Winry. "HAHAHA-eh? Why are you guys stuck to Winry!"

"WINRY'S HAWT!" they replied in unison.

"Grrrr…" Hawkeye snapped a picture of Winry then marched over to her. "Gimme those people!" she said as she swiped Winry from Ed.

"HAHAHAHA-hey!"

Hawkeye began to shake Winry and the bodies attached to her in an attempt to separate them. "Crap…it's not working! Um…Ashley Simpson, Teletubies, Yu-Gi-Oh, Bill Clinton!"

When she said this everyone fell off Winry; except Envy. "Envy!" Lust yelled, "WHY ARE YOU STILL STUCK TO WINRY?"

"BILL CLINTON'S HAWT!"

"POKEMON!" Hawkeye yelled one final time.

Envy separated from Winry and landed with a thud. "Ow…" he moaned rubbing his butt. "THAT was low!" he said with shifty eyes.

"Alrighty then!" I did a pose. "Let us walk to the FMA Idol placey!"

"The door's right there, you moron," Breda pointed at the door.

I gave him a death glare. "I can make you sing whenever I want." I smiled evilly and laughed maniacally as I walked back into the amphitheater. The FMA crew walked ten feet behind me as we entered the place.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"Alright then, who's next?" asked Simon as he tapped his pen.

"Ummm…" I thought for a minute while the FMA crew cringed.

"I'll do it!" Al volunteered as he stroked his new cat, Bloody Mary.

"Okay, then! Al-" Then my cell phone rang. "Uh, hold that thought Al," I said as I flipped open my cell phone.

"'Sup?"

"Hey!"

"Hello!"

"Hola!"

"Kenichiwa!"

"What?"

"What?"

"WHAT?"

"Hi!"

"'Sup!"

"Not much!"

"Cool!"

"I know!"

"Why'd you call me?"

"I was bored!"

"You're right in front of me!"

"I know!" yelled Emily at the top of her lungs.

"Oops, got another call!"

"Okay!"

"OKAY!"

"OKAY!"

I switched to my other call. "'Sup!"

"Hey!"

"Hello!"

"Hola!"

"Kenichiwa!"

"What?"

"What?"

"WHAT?"

"Hi!"

"'Sup!"

"Not much!"

"Cool!"

"I know!"

"Why'd you call me?"

"Wanta Fanta?"

"YOU'RE THAT LESBIAN STALKER FANTA GIRL!"

"Which one?"

"Uh…THE PURPLE ONE!"

"WRONG! HAHAHA!" Then she hung up.

"That was weird…Hey Em!"

"Hey!"

"'Sup?"

"WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF?" Scar yelled.

"Fine, be that way…" I folded up my phone. "Now how the heck am I supposed to talk to Em?"

"She's right there!" Breda yelled.

I turned and saw Emily. "OMIGOSH! MY PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH! OOF! ARG, DAMN PLOT HOLES!" We looked down to see a girl on FMA Idol.

"Um, who are you…?" I asked.

She looked around. "OMIGOSH! I LIKE, TOTALLY MADE IT INTO THE FMA IDOL FIC!" Then she started dancing like a moron.

"FIC?" everyone shouted.

"Oh, great." I put on some black sunglasses again and pulled out a personal flash-thingie. I flashed it and everyone's eyes got ten times wider. "Well, now that that's done…who are you? Oh, uh, nice Ed shirt…" I said as I looked at her pink shirt.

"Huh?" she looked down. "OH YEAH! I ripped off Happy Bunny's head and put Ed's face instead!"

"Your name…?"

"Oh! It's…DUN DUN DUN! VALERIE!" She did a pose.

"Um, you wanna be a judge?" I asked.

"NOOOOOO! (hic) ONLY I CAN BE A (hic) JUDGE!" Emily keeled over.

"Hmmm…the government must've spiked her cocoa again…"

"WHO TOLD YOU? I mean-NO WE DIDN'T! I mean-NO THEY DIDN'T!" Winry yelled with shifty eyes.

We stared at her for a moment, and then she muttered, "I've said too much…"

Suddenly, CIA agents appeared out of the sky and Winry put on some black glasses. They pulled out a flash-thingie and flashed it in everyone's eyes. Then, the CIA agents hopped back in their helicopters and flew away. Winry took off her sunglasses and said, "Well, now that's done, let's let AL sing!"

"Woah! You work with the CIA?"

"HUH? How did you…?"

"HA! You thought you could get away with using the CIA's flash-thingies! Only the MIB's flash-thingies actually work!"

Winry snapped her fingers. "Oh, crap!"

"Um, can we get someone to sing?" asked Randy.

"Uh, right! You're up Ed!" I looked around. "Um, Ed? Where's Ed?"

"AHHHHH!"

Everyone turned around to see Ed running around the audience from Valerie. "AHHHHHH!"

"OH, COME ON! I JUST WANNA RIP OFF YOUR CLOTHES AND PUT THEM IN MY SHRINE I HAVE AT HOME! OH, AND CAN I PLEEEEEEEAASE CUT OFF YOUR BRAID SO I CAN HANG IT IN MY ROOM!"

Everyone watched them run back and forth until Ed jumped out a window and Valerie followed.

"…..OKAY! Breda, you're on!"

"What?" Al screamed. "But I wanted to go next!"

I shrugged. "Yeah, I know but I still want revenge for that door comment."

"…Screw you." muttered Breda.

"I heard that! And you with be singing-"

"I wanna choose!"

"No way."

"I have the right!"

"Hey! Who said you had rights?"

Just then George Washington popped out of nowhere. "I did!"

"Um…how did you…oh, wait. Let me guess; plot hole right?"

"Yes ma'm! And if there is any service I might be to you, just let me know!"

"Well, um…we could use someone to guard the entrance in case of crazy Roy and Ed fangirls…"

Upon hearing this, Mustang fell over and passed out.

"Ma'm, yes Ma'm!" So Washington ran out of the building and stood by the entrance, keeping watch for crazy Mustang fangirls.

"Okay, my turn!" Breda ran up to the microphone and began to sing. "ROCK LOBSTER!"

"NOOOO! You know only Peter Griffin can sing that song right!"

"I know, but it's my favorite song!"

"Aw…IDIOT!" yelled Napoleon Dynamite.

"Huh? How…DAMN PLOT HOLES! Stan must've made tons of plot holes since his last visit…and he works for the CIA! WINRY!"

"Uhh…" Winry put on some black sunglasses again and jumped on a passing helicopter and flew away with the CIA.

"Oh, crap…she hasn't even sung yet…"

"Grrr, that's fair!" Hawkeye stomped her foot.

I shrugged. "Don't worry about it. The MIB will track her down for me."

"WHY ARE THERE SOOOO MANY DELAYS FOR ONE AUDITION!" Simon banged his head against the table.

"Ahem. Right! Breda you're on! Time for….WHO LET THE DOGS OUT!"

"What? NOOOOO!"

The music started playing.

"Um, wh-who let the dogs out,

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out…"

"Okay, judges! What do ya think?"

"Um, dawg, that was bad. It sounded terrible, although I can't really complain considering what we've heard…"

"Thanks Randy! Okay, um…well, there is apparently no second judge…"

"WAIT!" Emrald hopped up in Emily's/Paula's seat.

"Oh, hey! Okay then, judge away!"

"That sucked majorly."

"Thank you! Simon!"

"If you sang that song to a pack of wolves, they would claim you as one of their own."

"Okay! Breda, you sucked!"

"I knew I should've gone with the Rock Lobster song!"

"Now time for our next-"

"AHHHHHHH!" George Washington ran through the building and jumped out a window.

"Wha?"

Just then a pack of dogs ran into the place. "AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" Breda screamed. He turned around and jumped out the window.

Al's cat jumped down and pulled out her claws. When the dogs got close enough, they ripped her in half.

"NOOOOOOOO!" Al got down his knees. "WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?"

"Because you're a bad pet owner!"

"Shut up Jewel!" Al screamed.

"Maybe, we can change the dogs; I'm sure they're not truly evil," commented Snow White.

"Snow…? DAMN PLOT HOLES!"

**So how was it? I hope it was good! As you may have noticed, I put one of my reviewers (2 actually) in my fic because they requested it. If you have any suggestions, or requests, don't hestitate to tell me in your reviews! Review please!**


	8. Revenge of the People I Don't Care About

**HEY! S'up? I'd like to thank everyone who reviewed! I got lots of reviews for this chapter…awesome! Wow, I also got lots of requests O.O Go figure. Since I'm so nice, I'm going to put all of them in this chapter. I won't be able to do that in the future, but this is a chapter…FOR THE FANS! My goal is to reach 100 reviews! ;)**

**Disclaimer: How many time do I have to fricken write this? I DON'T OWN FMA!**

"BREDA!" I yelled as I leaned over the window. "Huh, that's weird he disappeared…"

"OMIGOSH!" Envy squeaked. "MAGIC! WHOO!" He yelled as he waved his fingers around.

"What's gotten into Envy?" Lust turned to Emily. "You DID give him his medication, right?"

"Um…if you mean by "give", take the pupleyish liquid yourself, then…yes."

"WOAH, LIKE, OMIGOSH! You drank the purpleyish stuff, Em?"

"HECK YESH I (hic) DID!" Then she passed out.

"She's really gotta stop doing that…" remarked Scar.

"Oh, great…well, how's the plothole situation?" asked Simon.

"I dunno…I'll ask our construction dude, YO BOB!"

Bob the Builder came down. "Well, I think I've fixed it Jewel!"

"Thanks! Now, um, I need you to die!"

"Why!"

"Because! You're from a dumb kiddy show that I hate which got canceled!"

"Wh-WHAT?" Bob screamed on the verge of tears. "It got canceled? WHY?"

"Ah, I dunno…I think Rolie got suicidal or something," I replied and I loaded my gun.

Bob was sobbing. "I knew he was sad! But-but…"

"OH! And Wendy molested some kid or something."

"WHAT? I was gonna ask her out too…"

"Whatever!" I scoffed. "She had like, twelve different boyfriends anyways!"

"I HAVE NO REASON TO LIVE!" Bob took my gun and committed suicide.

We all stared for a moment when two flashes broke our silence. Hawkeye and Ed were laughing their asses off and were taking dozens of digital pictures. "HAHAHA! I'm going to send this to the preschool!" Ed laughed.

"I'll send this one to the ACLU!"

Ed stared at Hawkeye. "Err…why?"

"BECAUSE I CAN! MUAHAHAHA!"

"AHAHAHAHA!"

"…………….Well this is weird…" said Simon. Then Simon's cell phone rang. "Hello?"

"We have Breda and Paula taken hostage," said a voice.

"I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT BREDA!" I yelled. "WHAT IF H- Ooo! A penny!"

The FMA crew stared at me for a few seconds (excluding Ed and Hawkeye because they were busy taking pictures and laughing maniacally). "Okay, then." Simon turned back to the phone. "What was that?"

"We have Breda and Paula taken hostage. Give the phone to Jewel, and hope no one gets hurt."

Simon cautiously handed me the phone. "YO!" I said.

"Do as we tell you and Paula and Breda won't get hurt."

"What?"

"Do as we tell you and Paula and Breda won't get hurt!"

"What?"

"DAMMIT! FUCKING DO AS WE SAY, OR BREDA DIES AND PAULA GETS SHIPPED OFF TO TOYS R US!"

We looked into the audience and say some guy yelling into his phone with Breda, Paula, and Winry tied up.

"HEY! GIVE OUR FRIENDS BACK!" Al and I yelled.

"Oh crap!" he screamed.

"Hey!" Ed yelled as he snapped a picture. "It's Winry!"

"Duhfg…" Winry said through the handkerchief.

"What?" Ed yelled.

"Uw sgha duhfg!"

"WHAT?" Ed screamed. "YOU'E SAYING THAT KILLER BANANAS ARE TAKING OVER THE WORLD?"

Winry shook her head.

"Then it was something about your butt itching really bad?"

Winry nodded her head.

I twitched. "Okay, um, I officially know too much…"

"Anyway…WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" Mustang pointed his finger at the dude in the crowd.

"Well, uh…"

"GFHEUY! GFHEUY!"

Ed put his hand around his ear. "What's that you say? You're telling me that that guy holding you hostage is really HAVOC? And all the other FMA characters that Jewel did not put in her fic are hiding around waiting to attack for revenge?"

Winry nodded.

About that time, Havoc ripped off his mask and Falman, Furer Bradley, Hughes, Rose, Marcoh, Grahnd, Elisia, Gracia, and a wolf named Raksha showed up.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU PUT US IN THIS FANFICTION WHICH PEOPLE SEEM TO STRANGELY LOVE?" screamed Hughes.

"OH…MY…GOSH…I SEE DEAD PEOPLE!" Fury screamed grabbing his eyes. He ran around in circles and hit a wall.

"…Riiiiight…well, I wasn't thinking straight when I started this fic I guess…"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Rose asked.

"It means I didn't care about you or I didn't know you existed yet, when I started this fic!"

"THAT'S NOT FAIR!" screamed Raksha.

We all stared at him for a few seconds, then Falman asked, "Are you even in FMA?"

"Nooo…but, remember YOUR PLAN? Hint hint!"

"Uh…right!"

My eyebrow arched. "Plan?"

"Our revenge scheme!" Grahnd puffed his chest up.

"Revenge…..scheme?" Al asked quietly.

"WE WERE THE ONES THAT OPENED THE PLOTHOLES!" screamed a voice. Just then a pile of crap slugged its way into the room.

"HOLY CRAP!" Envy screamed. "IT'S A TALKING PILE OF CRAP!"

"I AM NOT JUST A TALKING PILE OF CRAP!" It responded. It pulled a little magician's hat and cape out of no where and put them on. "I am… MR. HANKIE! The magical poo!"

"…What?"

"And I am his creator!" said a girl as she walked in.

"Hello God," said Mr. Hankie.

"Hello, minion," she replied. Then she looked me straight in the eyes. "My name is Erin."

"Uh…hi?"

She took out a baton and looked deep into my eyes.

"Um, this is making me uncomfortable…"

"And now…I SHALL TAP DANCE!" She began to tap dance.

We stared for like, ten minutes or something and then Lust said, "THAT'S your revenge scheme?"

"YES!" Havoc yelled. Falman whispered something in his ear. "Wait a minute…NO! IT IS FAR WORSE!"

"As in…WE'VE GOT ALL THE FANS HERE!" Falman yelled.

Me and the FMA crew sank to our knees and screamed, "NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO(breath)OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"

And by that time, the fan peoples were already there. A girl ran up and grabbed Ed. "I'm Topaz! AND YOU ARE NOW MY HOT COWBOY MINION! MUAHAHAHAHA!"

"Cowboy…?" Ed looked at his clothes and realized they were still country. "SCREW YOU JEEEEEEWEEEEEEELLLLLLL…"

Then, Valerie popped out of the broken window and yelled. "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE HIM AWAY FROM ME!" Valerie grabbed Ed and pulled him.

"NOOOOOO! HE'S MINE!" Topaz pulled even harder.

So Valerie and Topaz pulled Ed out of the FMA Idol place.

Then another girl stepped forward and grabbed Al. She loked up at him and then freaked out. "OMGOSH! WILL YOU MARRY ME? MY NAME'S MEGAMI!"

"Uh…no?" Al answered.

"BUT I'M THE PRESIDENT OF YOUR FANCLUB!"

"I have a fan club? Wow…"

"Here's cat named Kenny!"

"KITTY!" Al grabbed the cat and started rubbing it. "My precious…"

Megami: O.O;

About that time, another crazy Al fangirl popped out of nowhere. "AHAHAHAHAHA! NEED AL…NEED AL!"

She ran down to where Al was stroking Kenny. "AL! AL! AL! AL! AL! AL!"

"Uh, yes?" Al answered.

"ME VIVI, YOU AL!"

"Uh, okay?"

"OMIGOSH! THIS IS LIKE TARZAN!" Vivi grabbed Al's head and put in on her's. "AHAHAHA!" she screamed as she ran around in circles.

"My head!" Al yelled.

Vivi ran up and stole Kenny and ran off.

"MY PRECIOUS! I mean…KENNY!" Al yelled as he ran off.

"Oh, great!" I yelled. "We have to stop this! Mustang, Scar! We mu-huh?" I looked around. "Where'd they go?"

"Um," Gluttony replied pointing to the ceiling.

We looked up to see crazy fangirls with their hands over Scar and Mustang's mouth. Mustang managed to get one fangirl's hands off his mouth and he yelled. "JEWEL! SAVE THE OTH-" That's all he could get out before the crazy ninja fangirls took him and Scar away.

"WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?" I yelled.

"WE'RE DOOMED!" Hawkeye and Winry yelled as they were dragged off by crazy fanboys.

"YOU'RE NOT DOOMED!" a voice was heard. We all looked up to see a guy in a cape with tight underpants on the outside of his clothes (have you ever noticed that? Creepy huh?).

"Who are you?" I yelled.

"I am…" he did a pose. "THE METALWING ALCHEMIST!"

"Uh…what?"

"Metalwing?" Fury looked up. "Can you fly?"

"YES I CAN!" the crazy guy jumped off the ceiling and fell down to where we were. He would've landed if could fly. He made a nice hole in the ground.

"Oh, great…" I muttered. "Bob already killed himself, too…Now who's gonna fix that hole?"

Gluttony poked him with a stick. "Yup, he's dead."

"AHHH! HELP!" We turned around as Fury was dragged out the window by crazy fangirls.

"FURY!"

"HELP!"

We turned again, this time to see Breda being carried away by a bunch of muscley fangirls. This time, we just kinda stared as Breda was carried away screaming.

"The homunculi are the only ones I have left!"

"NOT ANYMORE!" some Fanboys screamed as they pulled Gluttony and Lust away.

"ENVY!" I grabbed Envy and held on. "NO! NOT YOU, TOO!"

"Be prepared," said the Furer. "Envy has more fangirls than anyone…"

The entire FMA Idol stadium was quiet. Only Envy's fangirl's were left. We braced ourselves. Then one girl popped out of the doors.

"ENVY!" she squealed.

Envy and I turned and looked at the Furer with our eyebrows up.

"WHAT? I THOUGHT THERE WERE!"

"There was," the girl answered.

"Was?" I gulped.

There was an evil glint in her eye. "I killed them all in their sleep." She started to cackle.

Everyone: O.O;;;

"On second thought, TAKE HIM!"

"WHAT?" Envy yelled. "TRAITTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOR!"

The girl dragged him off saying, "My name is Nightmare, and I like leather!"

"NOOOOOOOO- really? Me, too!"

"Awesome!"

I watched as they were dragged off. "Great…now what's gonna happen to my fic!"

"IT DIES! AHAHAHA!" Marcoh yelled.

Then they all glowed of a bright light and started disappearing.

"WHAT? NO!" I grabbed the nearest bright figures and stopped them from going away. It turns out they were Falman and Havoc.

"Okay! Help me get my minions- I mean…friends back!"

Falman and Havoc stood up, brushing themselves off. "What's in it for us?" asked Havoc.

"I'll put you in my damn fic!"

"SOLD!"

So we began walking out of the FMA Idol place to go look for my friends when I heard Havoc whisper to Falman, "See? Told you she was a fangirl of mine."

"Okay, NOT TRUE! I am a fangirl of ONE PERSON!"

"Who?" they asked.

"I'll never tell…"

**242424242424242424242424242424242424242424242424242424242424242424242424**

Emily finally woke up. "Woah, my head…what happened?" she asked as she looked around.

"Everyone got dragged off by fangirls and fanboys FOOL!"

Emily looked down at the talking piece of crap. "OMIGOSH!" she squealed. "IT'S MR. HANKIE! THE MAGICAL POO! MY LIFE IS COMPLETE!" Emily picked Mr. Hankie up and ran off.

"UNHAND ME FOOL! INFERIOR BEING! CURSE YOU!"

**Waaaaaas it good? Hope so. I am a fangirl of one person, actually. However, I refuse to tell who! Right now, I'm also working on another chapter for Momodo Drabbles! Review! Or else… **


	9. The Returning Fellowship of FMA part 1

**It is time…Fooooor another chapter! I am totally depressed, but let's hope things end up funny.**

**Disclaimer: NEW EPISODES COME ON TONIGHT WHOO! Uh, wait…I don't own FMA…**

I hid low in my camouflage outfit. "Now boys, move in."

"Uh…we're in a parking lot…" Havoc pointed out.

I stood up and looked around. "Oh…So we are!" I wiped the paint off my cheeks. "So, uh…any idea where we would find them?"

They both shrugged.

"Well, aren't you two useful…" I mumbled.

"Wait!" Falman snapped his fingers. "I think Al might be at a pet store!"

"? Oooooookay, whatever," I said as we headed off to the pet store.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"YAY, KITTIES!" Al screamed. All the fangirls stood behind him with, strange, demonic, slightly-evil smiles. All the Petsmart employees were tied up and gagged and thrown behind a counter somewhere. I didn't really care.

"Come here kitties!" Al said with a slight hint of craziness in his voice.

All the kitties were in a corner cowering from the crazy suit of armor.

"What do we do?" Falman whispered.

"Hmm…I GOT IT!"

Falman and I turned to Havoc. "What?" we asked in unison.

"Quick! There's not much time!"

"What do we do, Havoc?" I asked frantically.

"We…"

"Yes…?" Falman and I leaned in with anticipation.

"Doo…"

"YES…?"

"The…"

"MY GOSH! FRIGGEN SPIT IT OUT!" I screamed.

And because I yelled so loud, everyone turned around and saw us.

"Oh, hi guys!" Al waved happily. "You wanna kitty?" Al picked up a kitty and skipped over to where I was.

"Uh, thanks?" I took the poor kitty that had unknowingly wet himself from fear of Al's craziness.

"Jewel!" Falman screamed, "The fangirls!"

I turned around and got ready for battle when I saw them walking away muttering something about hating me.

"?"

"Why do they hate you Jewel?" Al looked at me.

"I'm not sure…"

Then Vivi and Megami turned around with murder in their eyes. I nearly pissed in my pants. "We shall remember…JEWEL!"

With that, they sorta…vanished into thin air…Creepy.

Me, Al, Falman, and Havoc: O.O;

"So…where to know?" Al turned around.

"Um, well…" I took out a little leather book. "Hm, well we have Al now," I said crossing his name out, "Now let's go look for Scar and Mustang…"

"Since when do you have a list?" asked Havoc.

"Oh? You don't recognize your own–"

"MY DIARY! I mean…MY ORGANIZER!"

Falman chuckled. "You…have a diary?"

"It's an organizer…"

We couldn't take it. We fell down and started laughing our asses off. Havoc got pissed like anyone would.

"SHUT UP! FALMAN, I'LL SHOW EVERYONE THAT PICTURE OF YOU FROM RIZA'S BIRTHDAY PARTY!"

Falman stopped laughing. "Which one?"

"The one with the toilet paper!"

Falman cocked his eyebrow. "Well, Ed already got his hands on that one. I'm afraid that ship has sailed."

"I haven't seen it!" I piped up.

"Oh, here it is!" Al said as he clicked onto the website.

"Cool! Uh, how'd you get a laptop?"

"Uh…I didn't maul a Petsmart employee if that's what you're thinking!"

"…Okay then!" I looked at the picture, and…**_O MY GOSH!_**

**---This Fic has stopped running temporarily stopped for a while or a few minutes or something like that because the author is unconscious at the moment from looking at the- _BLOODY HELL! _(faints).---**

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"Oh…Ow…what…?" I woke up in the hospital.

"Jewel? You okay?" I looked up to see Hawkeye.

"Huh? I thought you were kidnapped by crazy fanboys along with Winry!"

"We were," answered Winry.

Then I saw Havoc, and Falman standing there, too. "Where's Al?" I asked.

"On the floor. We gave you the bed," replied Winry.

"Oh, thanks…How'd you get here?"

Hawkeye smirked. "Me and Winry beat the living crap outta those perverts."

"Then how did you drop from the sky?" asked Falman.

"You can fly?" I asked.

"Well, no…"

"Oooh. So Winry got her CIA buddies to help you out?" asked Havoc.

"Um no…"

"Than WHAT?" we asked.

"I, uh…"

"Winry tried to fly," answered Hawkeye bluntly.

We looked at Winry strangely. "What?...I didn't have my medication tonight, so back off!" Winry turned around and ran into a coat hanger. "Oww...Huh? Fred? FRED! WHY DID YOU BETRAY ME?"

We stared as Winry bawled on about something or other with Fred the coat hanger, then we went back to business. "Sooo, we have Winry and Hawkeye back…" I crossed out their names in Havoc's "organizer".

"Hey! I want my organizer back!"

"Let me th- no."

"C'MON! You're one of my fangirls right?"

"…No…"

"…Oh. Well I want my diar- I mean my organizer back!"

I flipped the pages until I came to an enrty. "Ahem, Dear Organizer, Today-"

"STOP READING THAT NOW!"

"Scar and I had a wonderful-"

"LALALALALALALA!"

"Slumber party. We had such a fun time doing each others nails, and hair. I think I look better with red hair, but Scar says black is totally my color…" And by the time I got to that point, we were laughing our asses off again.

Havoc got into fetal position and began to suck his thumb. During all this, Al woke up. "Huh? What happened?"

We stopped laughing temporarily and I turned to Al. "Hm, I don't…remember…Havoc what did happen?"

Havoc got out of fetal position and stood up. "Well, it just so happens-"

"NO! THEY DON'T NEED TO SEE IT AGAIN!" screamed Falman.

"I SUFFERED, SO YOU'RE GONNA SUFFER TOO!"

"WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?"

Havoc shrunk down and sniffed. "You insulted Mr. Squirrely-Wirrley," he replied pulling out a stuffed squirrel, which was actually, kinda cute. "APOLOGIZE!"

"…Um Havoc, it's a stuffed animal…." Falman replied.

"BLASPHEMER!"

Havoc lurched at Falman and pinned him to the ground. Then he started to beat the crap out of him while the rest of us argued about where we would find Scar and Mustang.

"Couldn't we just go to Scarbucks?" asked Winry.

"Winry, It's STARbucks, and no, we wouldn't find them there," Hawkeye answered.

"No, no; it's SCARbucks. Y'know? Scar made it as a refugee coffee place for Ishbalans."

"If it was for Ishbalan refugees, why would it be a nation wide thing?" I asked.

"Hm, well…They could be at the porn shop…with all those adult videos and stuff…" (Winry)

"No, remember? Mustang's not allowed in ANY adult-oriented store, ever since that whole thing in the 60's…" Hawkeye pointed out.

Al shivered. "I remember that…"

"Hm…I GOT IT!" I snapped my fingers. "They must've gone back to JCPenney's! After all, Lust ruined Mustang's miniskirts."

We all nodded. Al turned around to Havoc and Falman, who was now basically bleeding corpse. "You guys! We're going to JCPenney's, 'kay?"

Havoc looked up, nodded, and then flung Falman's body over his back. Winry also picked up Fred, but accidentally knocked Al's body off, revealing a dead cat inside. "NOOOOOO!" Al sobbed as he picked up Kenny.

"Great job, Al," I remarked. "You killed Kenny."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"MY GOSH! WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE? IT'S ONE OF YOUR 52 SATURDAY-ONLY SALES!" screamed Mustang as he waved a bunch of miniskirts at the cashier.

"We only have 51 of those, sir!" the cashier answered with a cheesy smile.

Mustang twitched. Then he heard us calling.

"MUSTANG!"

He turned around to see us all. "Oh, hi Jewel! Hi Hawkeye!"

"Hey! Um, what are you doing?"

"Buying miniskirts!"

"They are $5 every Saturday!" the cashier said in this really annoying voice.

I twitched. "Um, it IS Saturday…"

The cashier waved his finger. "Oh, no! It's Tuesday! It says so on our calendar."

"You calendar is WRONG!" (Mustang)

"Our calendars are NEVER wrong!" The cashier kept smiling.

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Mustang jumped over the counter and started beating the cashier to bloody pulp. Hawkeye took a picture.

After the cashier had been brutally murdered, I turned to Mustang. "Um, was that really necessary?"

"Yeah!" Al said. "Such things shouldn't be seen by hamster eyes!" He petted a hamster.

I stared and then asked. "Um, what happened to cats?"

"Well, cats weren't really working out for me, so I switched to hamsters! His name is Bambi and he hates corn!"

We twitched. Then Mustang turned to me and replied, "As in answer to your question, yes it was necessary."

"Oh…Where's Scar?"

"He's-"

"JEWEL! (hic)"

We all turned to see Emily walking towards us with Lust and Gluttony. "Hello, my friiiend…(hic!)"

"Uh, hi Em. Lust, Gluttony? How did you guys get here?"

"Em found us being nearly killed by our fanboys, so she flung Mr. Hankie the Magical Poo onto one of them, and well….the stench pretty much killed every fanboy in there." (Lust)

"Nice."

"Uh, why is that corpse smiling?" Gluttony pointed to the cashier whose corpse was smiling demonically.

We took steps away from the corpse, who was seriously freaking us out. I turned back to Mustang when we were half-way across the store. "So…where's Scar?"

"He's-"

"Oh, hello guys." Scar waved as he walked towards us with a new jacket on.

"FRIGGEN DON'T INTERUPT ME!" Mustang punched Scar.

"Owww…WHY'D YA DO THAT?"

"I dunno…just kinda caught up in the moment ya know?"

"Oh, yeah. I totally get it."

"Scar…what are you wearing?"

"Oh, do you like it? It's got corn on it!" :D

On hearing the word "corn" Bambi snarled and lurched at Scar's face. "AHH! MY FRIGGEN GOSH! GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF! SWEET- OUCH! WHAT THE HELL? MY EYES! MY RED, ISHBALAN EYES! NO! I JUST GOT NEW CONTACTS DAMMIT! AHH DIE!" Scar pulled out his alchemy hand and destroyed the little hamster completely. **(A/N: ;-;)**

"NOOOOOOO! BAMBI!" Al sobbed.

"…Okay…Well let's see…" I pulled out Havoc's diary and crossed out Lust, Gluttony, Mustang, and Scar's names.

"Hey, where's your fangirls?" Lust looked around.

"Oh, they became Ed fangirls when Valerie and Emrald came in dragging Ed."

"Why were they here?" asked Hawkeye.

Scar shrugged. "I dunno…They wanted him to try on boxers or something."

Everyone excluding Scar: O.O;

"What? Ed wouldn't do that!" Winry yelled. Then she turned to Fred. "No, it's not like I like him or anything…I LOVE YOU! What? You don't love me any more? WHY? You loved…the CASHIER MAN?"

Everyone was already freaked out that Winry was confessing love to a coat hanger, and even more so that the coat hanger was in love with the peppy, smiling corpse. "Um, Winry?" Hawkeye tried to calm Winry down from her hysterical bawling, when we all heard Bob, or Fred or whatever being lifted up. We turned around slowly and…THE CASHIER'S CORPSE WAS HOLDING MITCH! Or, wait, Bob? No...Fred! Yeah, FRED! HE WASA HOLDING FRED AND SMILING DEMONICALLY!

We screamed and ran for our lives.

**This is only part 1. I'll have a part 2 up as soon as possible. I'm REALLY sorry for the wait! R&R!**


	10. The Returning Fellowship of FMA part 2

**Heh, once again, sorry for the wait. I've been trying to get back into the writer's groove. Sorry If the grammer isn't so great; I've been trying to proofread more.**

**Disclaimer: I KNOW HOW FMA ENDS! (which I don't own)**

"Oh, Fredith, oh Fredith, where art thou, Fredith?"

"Winry, seriously," Hawkeye rubbed her temples. "It would be Fredrick; and he's in love with the psychopath corpse."

"NO!" Winry jumped up and screamed. "Why did no one tell me? WHY?"

"Winry, we heard it from you," I said as a matter-of-factly.

"Oh, yeah. I remember now," she replied sitting down.

"So who's next?" asked Scar.

"Hm, well…We're only missing Ed, Fury, and Breda."

"Well, that's good." Falman sighed as he pulled out his magazine.

"Falman, what are you reading?" I asked as Mustang sipped his Starbucks coffee.

"Science equations."

"Whoo…party…"

"Seriously, though Winry, why can't your CIA buddies help us out?" Mustang asked.

"Simple. They have their eyes on a more important mission."

**CIA**

"Now tell me the truth. I am the president of the CIA, and I have had you, Presidents of McDonalds, Burger King, and Wendy's knocked unconscious, tied up and kidnapped for one reason—"

"Is that legal?" asked President W.

"Uhhh…" Winry's president snapped his fingers, and a person came into the room and handed him a large book. He looked through it for a moment and ripped out a page. "It is now!"

"That's not—"

"SILENCE!" The president pushed a button and the President of Wendy's fell into a snake pit.

"AHHHHH…"

The CIA president turned to the other two. "Now tell me…Is there such thing…as a cheeseburger with no cheese?"

"What kind of que—"

"YES OR NO QUESTION!" McDonald's president was then picked up by CIA members and thrown into a fire chamber. The president focused his gaze on the remaining.

The president of Burger King looked around and decided to be smart. "Um, no?"

"THANK YOU!" The CIA president threw is arms up in the air. "Now…my life is complete!" With that, he fell over dead.

The president of Burger King stared for a moment, while being tied to his chair. Then CIA members burst into the room. "YOU KILLED THE PRESIDENT!"

"WHAT? I'M TIED UP! HOW COULD I POSSIBLY—"

"YOUR PUNISHMENT IS THE ELECTRIC CHAIR!"

"WHAT? NOOOOOO! I WANTED TO MAKE SOME MORE MONEY BY MAKING FAT FOODS THAT TASTE GOOD SOME PEOPLE BECOME OVERWEIGHT, SO THEY CAN EAT MORE FOOD, AND BUY MORE BURGERS!"

**Nevermind…**

"Seriously, I can't believe you work for the CIA Winry," Fury added.

We all turned around. "Uh, Fury?"

"Hi!" He waved at us.

"Um, weren't you gone?"

"Yeah, but I lost my fans."

"How?"

"Wait, let me guess," Scar interrupted; "They became Ed fangirls."

"Yeah," Fury nodded.

"Hey guys! We're back!" Lust waved, as Gluttony trailed behind them. She dropped some bags of clothes. "I bought you guys some clothes, because we're getting kind of stinky in the same pairs we've been wearing this entire time."

"And WHERE did you get them?" asked Scar.

Gluttony sighed and rolled him eyes. "At the GAP and not JCPenney's."

"Very good," he nodded.

As we pulled out various pieces of clothing, Lust added in: "Oh and I think you'll want to go by Gottschalk's."

I looked up. "Why?"

"There were tons of people running away from the store, because some guy was humping mannequins."

Everyone: o.O;

Mustang snapped his fingers. "Breda!"

We stared at him. "What?" we asked in unison.

"Um…It's a long story…" Mustang sighed and shook his head.

"Okay then, let's go!" I did a pose.

"Jewel…stop posing."

I stopped posing. "Yeah, okay…"

We all left Starbucks and headed down the street.

"Let's go!" Fury commanded as he marched off. We stood and stared at him. Fury turned around and marched back in our direction. "Gottschalk's is this way!"

"Uhhh…look guys; I think it would be best if I snapped everyone except me, Winry, Mustang, and Lust back to the studio. Y'know, to cut down on damage charges."

"Y'know I've been thinking…" Al started. "If you're the all-powerful being in this world and can do anything you want with the snap of your fingers, you should be able to transport all of us back to the studio; even the people that aren't here, because you're all-powerful, right? And if more characters appear into the series, you could easily just add them into this freaky, twisted contest; am I correct?"

Everyone stared at Al and then started yelling in agreement. I looked at Al, with my eyes as slits. I rolled up my sleeves and stomped over to Al. (SLAP!) "WHO AM I?"

Al cowered in fear. "J-Jewel?"

"WRONG ANSWER!"

"Uh, lalalalala2?"

"That's right! All-mighty and powerful authoress of this fic! Don't try thinking on your own; you're my own freaking character!"

"Actually, I belong to- (slap) OW!"

"SHUT UP! Be a good little character and do what you're told! Then you won't end up like Armstrong!"

"ARMSTRONG? You said he was sent to the insane asylum!"

"I say/write a lot of things." I snapped my fingers, and only Lust, Winry, Mustang, and I were left. Well, actually Emily was there, too.

**(A/N: Stole that joke. Man, I am so unoriginal.)**

"Quick Jewel! We have to go save those poor mannequins!"

"I know, Em!"

As we ran, Lust added, "Well, you're speaking normally Em. Is that a good thing?"

"Yeah! I think I might finally be returning to normal." About that time, a UFO flew overhead and beamed Emily. After she had been captured, they flew away.

"…" We stared quietly, and then continued.

Normally, we (or I anyway) would've found finding the store a difficult task. But, lucky for us, people were running and screaming, so it was actually very easy to find. Breda was done by the time we got there (THANK YOU!). He looked up and smiled, "Oh, hey guys!"

"Breda, what the HELL were you doing?" Mustang tapped his foot.

"Um, I was…testing to see how human they were?"

"EW!" I squealed.

"Oh, don't worry. I'm moving on to the GAP now, so don't worry!"

"NO!" Mustang grabbed Breda by the collar. "You will NOT be humping ANY more mannequins. GOT IT?"

Breda pouted. "Fine…"

"Now for Ed…" I said as I crossed out Breda and Fury's names in Havoc's organizer.

"Now, bye." I snapped my fingers and he disappeared. "This is the best idea I've had in a long time!"

**At the studio**

"Do you guys think it's cute?" Havoc shoved Mr. Squirrely-Whirly in everyone's faces, whiled smiling demonically. Everyone (including the audience) was tied up and gagged.

**Hahaha…**

"Now…all we have left is Ed."

"Well, that won't be easy. Fullmetal has many fangirls," Lust stated.

"We'll have to have a plan!"

"Don't worry!" Mustang said. "I'll take care of them!" He did a pose. "DAMMIT JEWEL! Stop making me pose!"

"Hahaha…Yeah, okay. But do you have a plan?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Unleash rage upon the fangirls?" asked Winry.

"No! We'll…do…the…CHICKEN DANCE!" Roy got on the ground and started making chicken movements. "Da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da, da-"

"No, Mustang."

Mustang pouted. "Aww…please?"

"For my sanity, no." I shook my head.

"Hmph. Fine."

"Where would Ed be?" Winry thought out loud.

"A place with platform shoes?" I suggested.

"No, Ed hates the things," Mustang stated. "Maybe getting an arm and leg transplant?"

"Naw, he seems pretty determined to get his original arm and leg back," I sighed.

"Besides," Lust added; "Wrath wouldn't be happy about that."

"Wrath?" I asked.

"New character," she replied flatly.

"ARG! BLAST!"

"Y'know, that sounded like what a pirate would say! 'ARG! BLAST!'"

"Winry, shut up."

"Okay…"

I stomped off in the opposite direction. "Where are you going?" Winry yelled.

"I'm going to see your creators! Set them straight and make them stop making new characters!"

They all shrugged as I snapped us away. When we got the building, I slammed the door open to the President of Amniplex's office. Then I realized Ed was about to kill him instead.

"And HOW will the rewrite be?" Ed asked with his knife to the President's throat.

He gulped and replied: "You and your brother will never loose your bodies, because your mother will not get sick and die. Your father will have never been in the military, and the Furer will die, and so will all of the military; therefore, alchemy will cease to exist and everyone will be happy. Except Izumi, because her kid died anyways."

"WRONG ANSWR!" Ed was about to slit his throat, when I yelled: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Ed turned around. "Gah! What are you doing here? I was just um, uh…"

"Ed!" I yelled as I shook him uncontrollably. "You CAN'T kill the president! If you do, YOUR SHOW WON'T EXIST AND YOU'LL DIE!"

Ed thought about this for a minute and then looked back at the president. "You lucked out," he whispered with his eyes slit.

He let go and we waltzed out of the office.

"Lust, you're such a great dancer!" Mustang remarked.

"You, too, Colonel."

"Will you two knock it off?" I asked, irritated.

"Yeah!" Ed agreed. He took a picture.

**Back where we ALL belong**

After we got everyone untied, and stuff we were FINALLY ready to get started again.

"Okay, people! Sorry for the wait! Next up iiiiiis…"

"SAVE MOGLI!" Raksha the wolf ran by us and hit a wall.

"…Oooooookay. That was random."

"EVERYTHING that goes on here is random Jewel," Simon sighed as he slapped his head.

"Hahaha…right. Okay, like I was say- Hey! Where's Envy?"

Everyone looked around and shrugged.

**JCPenney's**

"YAY! Leather!" Envy squealed and hugged the leather coat.

"Leather!" Nightmare squealed along.

"We should pay for this." (Envy)

"Yeah." (Nightmare)

Envy and Nightmare went up to the counter and looked for the cashier.

"Do you see him?" asked Nightmare.

Envy shook it's head. "Nope."

There was a noise behind them. They turned around, but nothing was there. Suddenly, the lights went out. All was quiet… except they heard someone pick something up.

Nightmare looked around then started yelling, "Who's th-"

Envy covered her mouth. "DON'T SAY THAT!" it hissed. "That's what happens in the movies!"

Her eyes grew wide. "Oh, right…"

They looked up, and there was a smiling corpse, stroking a coat hanger.

Envy and Nightmare held each other. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

**Heh, sorry Envy fangirls. Sorry Nightmare. Sorry I haven't updated. School had been seriously depressing. I'll try to update my stories sooner.**


	11. When the authoress is PMSing

**I just wanted to write this today. Sorry if it sucks. Please note there will be major randomness ahead.**

**Disclaimer: I…don't…own…Full…Metal…Alchemist…Bleh.**

"Great! We're all here now!" I said as everyone was gathered onstage.

"Great!...Sooo…now what?" Falman asked.

"You sing," Simon answered. "Now."

"What? Why? In all the other chapters we stalled forever until we actually sang!" Winry pointed out.

"Yeah, but I'm depressed, and I just wanna do it this way this time. And if anyone says anything about it, you're outta the fic."

"But Armstrong is practically out of the fic now, and he did nothing to really 'upset' you per say…" (Hawkeye)

I gave her a look, "Do you really wanna repeat that? I sure hope you know WHY he's not in the fic anymore!"

"Yes, yes, I know." Hawkeye rubbed her temples.

"Did you notice how everyone is, like…really depressed so far in this chapter?" Havoc wondered aloud, while snuggling Mr. Squirrely-Whirly.

"Please, we're only twenty-eight lines into the chapter," I answered.

"WOAH, LYKE, OMIGOSH!" Envy squealed. "You totally counted?"

"No, I used Word Count in the tools bar," I replied, while filling out a restraining order.

"This fic isn't the same…Why is it…so…different?" Paula wondered.

We all stared at her. "Like, woah. When'd you get back?" I blinked.

She looked around. "Dunno. Em's not here right now."

"Yeah…she's in rehab."

"Ooooooo! BURN!" Envy squealed (again).

"What does that have to do with anything?" I glared.

"Um…dunno…stalling?"

"DYYYYYAAAAAMMMMM!" Scar did this gangsta sign.

"Oh, now I know why the fic's different…You, and Lust are supposed to be dead! Not to mention there's now all the different homunculi!"

"DYYYYYYYYYYAAAAMMMMMM!" Ed yelled.

Scar's face looked like ditto's. "Aw…why'd I have to die?"

"Because your creators are fricken retards." (Me)

"Oh, that explains a lot. Like why my scar is white, even though my face practically blew up, and it should be blood red."

"Exactly," I smirked.

"Um, stalling…" (Randy) Randy's face was almost immediately ripped off, as Al's new kitty, Goku went on a rampage.

"Bad kitty!" Al shook his finger at the cat. The cat proceeded to jump into Al's body and claw at his blood seal. "AHHHH! BAD KITTY!" Al screamed as he ran in circles. He eventually tripped over the microphone wire, sending his head, and Goku over a wall into the mysterious beyond.

"…With that being said…"

"Actually, it was more like 'done'," Breda pointed out.

I hit him over the head and continued, "…with that being SAID…Please give it up for Edward Elric! Singing 'Cowboy Take Me Away'!"

"That's a girl song!" he shouted.

"…So?"

Ed, still being in his little cowboy uniform walked up to the mike, and started singing:

_Cowboy, take me away…_

_I don't know the lines…_

_I don't feel like rhyming…_

_Hey, isn't this a Dixie Chix song?_

All the guys in the audience: "…"

All the girls in the audience: "OMIGOSH! I LOVE YOU! WILL YOU MARRY ME?"

Me: O.o "Um, no. Just…no. Do it over."

"What the crap! I sang! Isn't that good enough?"

"…Um, no? Sing 'I Am'."

"…Video game music?"

"JUST SING IT!"

Ed turned around again and started to sing.

_I don't know this song!_

_I don't know how it goes!_

_Never heard it in my liiiiiife!_

"ED!"

"Seriously! I've never heard it! And besides, they like it!" he said pointing to a group of fangirls with shirts that said, 'EDWARD IS MY BISHIE!'

o.O "Okay, okay…um…Down Under the Sea?"

"…Disney?"

"I'm out of creativity tonight, go with it."

He shrugged and started singing again.

_I hate Disney! _

_Oh, I hate them so-o!_

_They always kill off the mothers!_

_They are heartless!_

_And all the fathers_

_Are complete bastards!_

_Disney,_

_You waste all my ti-ime!_

_You're such a waste,_

_What makes you think you shi-ine?_

_Tell me!_

_WHYYYYYY-YYYY?_

_Your crapiness no one can measure!_

_And yet, _

_You think you're such a treasuuuuuuuure!_

_I'll tell you what you did…_

_You stabbed the beast, in the hea-eart!_

_You made ruined Mulan's sequel!_

_And called it an ar-art!_

_Oh, why?_

_Why must do such things?_

_Now, you claim to be_

_The animation ki-ings!_

_You've ruined children, _

_You've ruined my li-ife,_

_Now prepare to suffer_

_Prepare for stri-ife!_

_I'll have your he-eads!_

_Walt Disney…_

_This wouldn't have happened, if you had… just… stayed… dead!_

…Complete silence.

I blinked. I blinked again. One more time. …Okay a couple more times. "Um…Ed, did you make that up off the top of your head?"

He looked around with shifty eyes. "Mayyyyyybe…"

O.o "Okay then. Judges?"

Randy was crying because the song was so touching, Paula was drooling so that the drool was making a pool of water around the front of the stage, which made it REALLY hard to get to the bathroom for the audience-

**ELSEWHERE!**

'Aww…man…I really have to pee…" some random guy in the audience thought frantically.

**NOT ELSEWHERE!**

-and Simon was gawking…or something like that.

"Um…perfect?" I said nervously.

About that time, a tomato flew up and hit Ed squarely in the face. "WHAT THE FRACK?" Ed turned around to see the homunculi booing and stuff. "WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT FOR?"

"BOOO! DOWN WITH ED!" Wrath yelled.

"GO LUST, GLUTTONY, AND ENVY!" Sloth clapped.

"WE BELIEVE IN YOU…Okay, no we don't," Pride said.

Gluttony appeared next to Pride (somehow), and bit his head off. He then appeared back onstage (somehow).

"Hey…aren't you supposed to be dead, too?" I pointed at Sloth.

"Well…kind of. Right now, I'm in the process of dying. So…yeah."

"Hm, pity. Anywayyyy…Now what?"

"You could change me out of this cowboy uniform," Ed said.

"…No."

"WHY NOT?"

"Cuz."

"THAT'S NOT A GOOD REASON!"

That kind of officially pissed me off, considering how I was PMSing and all…My head grew really big, and Ed became chibi Ed. "I'LL TELL YOU WHY! BECAUSE I'M THE DAMN AUTHORESS! THAT'S WHY! NOW SHUT THE FRACK UP AND BE A GOOD LITTLE COWBOY!"

"Yes'm!" Ed whimpered.

A change of topic, to keep me from totally PMSing on all of them, Mustang coughed, "Ahem, so uh…who's next?"

"Havoc."

**Yyyyyyyeah…not very good, buuut I needed to update, and I wanted too. I'm seriously PMSing right now, so that's probably why it was really funny. And yes I wrote that 'song'. Not very creative -.o Meh. R&R.**


	12. Uh, funny?

**SORRY I HAVEN'T UPDATED! Seriously, I've been _GROUNDED_ from touching computer for forever. For having a C or two on my progress reports. Technically, I'm not even supposed to be typing this right now…Haha…Ahem, yes. ON WITH DA FIC!**

**Disclaimer: lalalalala2 does, in no way or form, own FMA.**

"Wow…y'know…the series of FMA has like…totally ended, right?" Scar asked.

"I know. Blame my parents," I replied blandly.

"Who uses the word blandly anymore?"

"Um, no one."

"But, you just used it."

"No I didn't."

"Quote: 'I know. Blame my parents,' I replied **blandly**."

"…Scar that's just creepy. Don't do it again."

"Okay."

"Did anyone else notice this has been a REALLY boring chapter so far?" Lust looked around.

"You can't say that. We're only 29 lines into it, INCLUDING the commentary."

"Commentary?" Mustang looked confused. "This entire FIC has been a commentary."

"Shut up."

"Okay."

"Why is everyone agreeing with me now?"

Ed cleared his throat. "Because now we realize that you have ultimate power, and we fear you."

"Dammit, I liked it better when you were stupid!"

"Sorry."

"DON'T BE SORRY!"

"Okay."

"Dammit, where's Al?"

"Remember? You wrote how his new cat jumped inside him, he flipped out, and ran over the fence?"

"Oh, yeah…"

Winry looked around. ""What is it with everyone looking around, quoting people, and acting normal? It's kind of creepy. Not to mention this fic has kept getting less funny and less funny as time has gone on."

I sighed. "It's because being a freshman sucks, I've going through hard times this year, resulting in lower grades, which was okay, until I was transferred to another teacher's class for Geometry, which is my worst subject, and I hate the teacher because he picks on me, and gives me bad grades, which leads to even lower grades, in which my parents ban me from the computer IN WHICH I can't write fanfics, leading to the downfall of my talent for writing them."

"…Wow," Everyone said.

"Yeah. Life sucks."

"Totally!" Breda said Crush style.

"Okay, now **that** was on the funnier side right now," Lust commented.

"Ayup!" I did one of Sonic's cheesy thumbs-up poses.

"Okay…We're getting there…" Mustang suddenly started acting like a shrink. "Now how does that feel?"

"Okay," Havoc pointed out, "That's not funny, it's just stupid."

"Hm, no kidding. Hey where'd Ed go?"

Everyone looked to where Ed had been. "Um, I dunno…" Falman slurred.

"Let's replace him with Gai!" I said gleefully.

"_Gleefully_?"

"Remember what I said Scar?"

"Sorry. But _Gai_? Why him?"

I shrugged. "Cuz he's funny."

"Oooh! BURN!" Envy squealed.

"WILL YOU STOP THAT!"

"Nope."

"Oh, okay then. Havoc—" I turned to Havoc, who was hugging Mr. Squirrely-Whirly."

"…What?" My eye twitched.

"You…sing…NOW!" I shoved him up on stage.

The lights went all funky and he started to sing.

_Cuz she's bittersweet_

_She knocks me offa my feet_

_And I can't understand_

_I can't remember the line right here!_

_She's a mystery_

_She too much for me_

_But I keep commin' back for more!_

(Insert fangirl screams here)

_SHE'S JUST THE GIRL I'M LOOKING FOOOOOOOOOOOOR!_

Despite the HORRIBLE ending, the crowd was wild. Until Havoc said, "I love you, Squirrely!"

Complete silence. I coughed, "Well, um, judges?"

"Uh, dawg…ya got some issues…I dig the song, but, the ending was off-pitch."

"Uh-huh, Paula?"

"Um…I'll stick with what Randy said."

"Gotcha. Simon?"

Simon was laughing hysterically.

Everyone: "…"

"Y'know…I've been thinking…" Winry started, "That maybe Simon is the most emotional of all the judges, even if he's the harshest. I mean, he's the one who cries, laughs and breathes just like the rest of us! IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT HE DOESN'T HAVE A HEART! WE JUST HAVE TO BELIEVE IN HIM!" There were little tearing studs in her eyes now.

"Wow…" Hawkeye started. "That was the _cheesiest_ thing I have EVER heard."

"Hell yes it was," I muttered.

We turned to Simon, only to see that he had laughed himself into a coma.

"Randy's the only judge that hasn't had something totally terrible happen to him," Fury said.

"You jinxed it." I gave him my "funny-eyebrow" look. (Raised eyebrow that twitches)

He smiled gleefully. "I know!"

"Again with the gleefully!" Scar yelled.

"Again with the I-told-you-to-shut-up-and-not-correct-me-because-I'm-the-damn-authoress!"

"Sorry."

"Wait…How do we know it's jinxed?" Lust inquired.

"Oh…well…Let's look!" I said gleefully.

"…I'm not saying anything."

"Good, keep it that way."

Anyway, we looked, and sure enough…Randy had been jinxed. We came to that conclusion, because he was no longer there, and a little yellow note attached to his chair.

"Now we know."

"Okay then. What's it say?"

Hawkeye pushed Mustang, "You read it, Colonel."

"Uh…Okay…"

Mustang went and picked it up and looked around nervously. "Um, it…says…CANDY!"

"…"

"Um, Mustang…? Can you read?" I asked.

All of Mustang's fangirls scooted over to Havoc's side of the place. "WOOT! I'VE GOT FANGIRLS!" Havoc threw poor Squirrely-Whirly over the wall.

"Um, I CAN SO!" I stared at him. "…Okay I can't. BUT I CAN SING BETTER THAN HAVOC!"

I stepped aside. "Then take it away."

Mustang got up on the stage and the lights went all funky again.

_I like big buts_

_And I cannot lie!_

_Big butts are the one thing_

_I cannot deny!_

o.O There was applause everywhere. Since Paula was the only judge that was actually able to judge, she was like "TAKE ME ON A DATE! I'M LONELY!"

Mustang was like: o.O

Then all the ex-Mustang fangirls, now Havoc fangirls became ex-ex-Mustang fangirls and ex-Havoc fangirls. Havoc sighed. "Oh, well…I'll go look for Squirrely…"

"Um, what does the note say?" Lust asked again.

Scar picked it up. "Ahem. I says: Jewel, we have taken Al, Ed, and Randy hostage. Succumb to our will at K-Mart or suffer, -Vivi and Megami."

I sighed. "Okay people, let's go!"

**Yah, I hope it was funny. I'll try to finish this soon. R&R.**


	13. THE FANGIRLS DEFILED MEEEE!

**Haaa…Hi there. Yeah, I know it's been awhile. Um, I'm sorry…? When summer comes around you're too lazy to do anything, right?**

**Disclaimer: I don't own FMA yadda yadda yadda…**

"Off to find Randy!" Ed did this 'pose' thing.

"…Why are you posing?" Winry just looked at him.

"Um…because?"

"…Okay, then."

Everyone stood in silence before Scar said," So…uh…now what?"

"…We find Randy?" Ed suggested. "And Al…?

"Wait…weren't you kidnapped too?" Hawkeye pointed out.

"Uhhh…yeah, I guess I was."

"…Then why are you in this chapter?"

"The authoress forgot when she started typing."

"Hey," Lust looked around, "Where IS Jewel, anyway?"

"Um…I dunno." Mustang put on a thoughtful face. "But she WAS in a bike accident yesterday and now her hamstring is swollen on her left leg."

"Mmmm…ham," Gluttony drooled.

"I honestly don't know what to say about that," Breda blinked.

**MEANWHILE!**

I was jumping around dodging floods, random flaming objects, and sharp pointy things as I ran down some hallway.

"…What am I doing here?"

**Uh, Right…**

"So…Who's left to sing?" Lust asked boredly.

"Um, let's see…" Breda started counting on his fingers.

"Winry, Al, and Falman," Scar answered for him.

"You SLUT!" Breda's eyes became slits as he slapped Scar. "That was MY LINE!"

So Scar and Breda got into some bitch fight, while everyone else just kinda stood around. "…Well, shouldn't someone sing?" Ed looked around at everyone.

"There's like, NO judges." Hawkeye pointed out. "That are conscious anyway."

"…So?"

"I'm HEEEEEEEEEERE!" Emily squealed.

"…Do you seriously still act like that? I mean, this fic's been going for about…well, a little over a year."

"No, not really. But I'm supposed to act weird to create some sort of illusion that I'm still drunk though."

"Oooooh," everyone nodded. They understood. After all, who hadn't been forced into some crazy, random fanfic at some point?

"So…uh…FALMAN! You're up!" Mustang shoved him up on stage.

"WHA?" But it was too late. The lights had already brightened and stuff.

"_Er…_

_And I wonder if you think about me anymore_

_And I wonder if ever think about me when you're bored_

_And I wonder if you ever think about me when you're hanging' in NEW YORK!_

_And I wonder if he still writes these songs for you_

_And I wonder if the reasons why ya left were untrue_

_And I wonder if you give him more excuses than the ones I got from…YOUUUUUU!"_

The crowd would have gone wild, if they hadn't missed Al so much. And since I was not there to ask how he did, Em was just like, "I MISS AL!"

"NO! NOW SHESKA WILL NEVER NOTICE ME!" So Falman ran around crying like a baby until hit a wall and was knocked out cold.

"…I wonder where Jewel is?" Gluttony sighed.

**I'M OVER HERE!**

I finally rounded a corner breathing heavily. Seriously, why was I here?

"JEWEL! HEEEELLLLLLP! THE FANGIRLS ARE MOLESTING MEEEEEE!"

Oh, yeah.

**COUGH**

"What do fangirls do to you when they kidnap you?" Lust asked.

"That is confidential," Mustang answered.

"…They rape you don't they?" (Hawkeye)

Scar crumpled into a little ball on the stage and began to weep. "They defiled MEEEEEEE!"

All the guys gathered around and patted poor Scar on the back, while the girls just stood back and watched. Envy was considered neither category, so he/she/it just kinda danced around on the center of the stage.

"…I'm surprised out fanboys never tried that," Lust speculated.

"They tried it with me," Hawkeye stated.

"How'd you get 'em to back off?"

"I just pull out my reverse-blade sword."

"Where'd you get that anyway?"

Suddenly, everything went all colorful, and everyone started dancing and singing. Then Winry popped up.

"_This coffee mug is great!_

_I bought it at an amazing rate!_

_This new TV_

_Makes me feel so free!_

_You can always have your way!_

_WHEN YOU DO EBAAAAAAAY!"_

Then everyone stopped, and was like, "Winry, you're such a shallow person to want all those material items! It's so wrong to want things, because that makes you evil especially when other people don't have them."

"Whatever."

Hawkeye blinked. "Actually, I got it at Amazon."

Winry's eyes got shifty. "Oh, really?" she speculated as she wrote something down.

"Er, yeah?"

"What about you Winry? Your fanboys ever try to rape you?" Lust asked trying to change the subject.

"Oh, yeah. All the time."

"How do you avoid it?"

"…You're supposed to avoid it?"

Hawkeye and Lust: O.O;

"Um, _yeah_." (Hawkeye)

"…Oh. So that's why I have herpes."

o.O "Ew," they both said in unison.

But over on the other side of the stage…

"And then she totally **censored**," Ed said grimacing.

The other guys grimaced as well.

"Yeah, I felt really bad for that one guy she castrated, though."

All the guys' eyes grew about ten times larger. Then Mustang decided to head to the bathroom again. But the pool of drool by Paula was blocking the way to the bathrooms, and there was a very large line of people holding it in. Then he decided it would be a smart idea to try to evaporate all the drool with his alchemy (bad idea). He pulled out his glove and set the drool aflame (but not without killing a few random souls ). But then it like, exploded for some weird reason.

"What the crap!" Mustang jumped out of the way as it killed several members of the audience.

Oh, wait…Paula was supposed to be there wasn't she? Oops.

Yeah, everyone failed to notice Paula there, because no one cared. Except there was suddenly, like, TWO Paula's!

Everyone stopped and was like O.o;

Then I appeared magically onstage with a severely torn suit of armor. "…What's going on?"

**Yeah…I can't think of much more to write at the moment. Sorry if it's a bit short, but I'm feeling upset over nothing right now. You understand, of course. The next chapter will have Al's song, and then the final chapter will be after that. Until then, R&R!**


	14. Teh Climax!

**Uhm…hi again? Yeah, I'll try to make this chapter worth while…but don't get too excited. By the way…Emily is actually my friend's name…EMILY SOME TWO MIDDLE NAMES HERE HOAGLAND. O…M…G. Now some ones gonna hunt her down and rape her. Pffft. **

**To all fans of this fiction: Please don't kill me.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own FMA.**

"OMIGOSH! TWO PAULAS!" Breda screeched and pointed one of them.

The Paula at the doorway stopped and blinked. She looked at the random, dead, burning people lying around and the giant flaming thing…and the torn up suit of armor…and the other her…

Paula turned around and walked away.

"…Raaaaaaandom…" Mustang hissed.

I looked at the other Paula as I threw Al down.

"Ow…" he whined.

"Hey, um…Which is the real Paula?"

The other Paula looked at me. Then she pulled off her disguise. She was…

"…Zim…?" Emily blinked in confusion.

Indeed, Zim the invader himself…in our little stadium.

"Um…hi?" I said awkwardly. "Why are you…here…?"

"I dunno," he shrugged, then walked off.

"…"

Silence.

Ed clapped his hands together. "Ooookay, then! Time for Al to sing!"

"Not on my watch." Greed slid onto the stage in this pimp outfit.

"YOU!" Ed pointed.

"Yo, s'up mah homedawgs?"

"…What?" Winry blinked.

Everyone laughed at Winry. She was too stupid to understand gangsta.

"Why are you dressed like that?"

Everyone laughed at her again to make her feel bad. Then Winry pulled out a gun and pointed it at everybody. Then they shut up. 'Cept for Greed who was just like, 'Pfft, whatever, I've seen worse.'

Then Greed flipped everyone off and walked up to the microphone. "Hit it bitches!" He snapped his fingers.

"…No way you hoebag." Envy rolled it's eyes.

Then Greed bitch slapped Envy and, yet, another cat fight ensued in this fic. During their bitch-squabble, they ended up killing a cat that Al had been petting that had got in the way. "GREEN DAY, NOOOO!"

Al wailed like a baby until Fury was like, "Gawsh, be a man ya damn pussie."

Al punched him in the face and Fury was unconscious for a while. That's when Breda screamed and pointed at him and was like, "THE ARMOR TALKS!"

And Hawkeye was like, "AL'S GONE CRAZY!"

And Mustang was like, "I'M GOING COMMANDO RIGHT NOW!"

Everyone stopped and looked at him. "Ew." Except Al, who was still crying and in his hysteria, picked up the microphone by the cord and started flinging it around and hitting people. Except Winry, 'cus he didn't wanna hurt the microphone.

Ed whipped out a video camera and giggled like a school girl as he thought of Youtube.

So, in the midst of all this chaos, Al eventually ended up accidentally tying everyone up in this giant microphone-cord tangle. Except Ed, because Ed had been making a video, Emily who was dancing on the judges table and had been knocked out when the microphone hit her on the forehead, and Fury because he was already unconscious.

"Wow…" Hawkeye blinked. "I just realized that this is a total invasion of personal space."

"And…uncomfortable…Are all you guys going commando today, or something?" Lust grimaced, afraid to shift around.

"No, just Mustang," Havoc coughed.

Mustang smiled like a kid in a candy store. Which was creepy and perverted.

"Boys are sooooooo sick!" Envy turned up it's nose.

Then it got stabbed in the crotch by Greed, who was right next to it the microphone-wire web, and screamed in agony for a while. After Envy was done, I got sick of waiting and tossed Al on the stage.

"But I can't sing!"

"Why not?"

Al counted on his fingers. "No judges! Paula walked off, or was Zim and then walked off, Simon laughed himself into a coma, Randy…well no one cares about Randy, and Emily was just knocked unconscious by me."

"Al…" I looked at him, "Half of our audience is dead. We probably lost the other half when this fic went on hold a year ago. Please, just sing!"

"Only if you buy me a kitty."

"…Um, deal?"

"YAY!" Chibi Al waddled like penguin up to the microphone. Because Penguins are awesome.

_Can't touch this, _

_You can't touch this,_

_Look at my eyes maaan_

_Can't touch this!_

_Fresh new kicks!_

_Advance,_

_Ya gotta like that,_

_Now ya know ya wanna dance_

_So move_

_Outta yo seat_

_Can't touch this_

So while chibi Al was rapping, Mustang started to groove around. Which is awkaward. Because Falman was stuck in front of him. Yeah.

So Al finished, we applauded him, and he stared at me.

"…What?"

"…Cat…" he hissed.

"…Uh…right!" I pulled Emily's purse out and began tossing stuff out. "Damn, how much stuff does she have in here?" I wondered as I pulled out a compact, some lip gloss, a Sprite, a hot dog, her license, car keys, a bottle of Vodka, her ex-boyfriend, random anime episodes, her iPod, Ed's camera, a bag of meth, various dollar bills, a hookah, a vampire, some druggie goth kids, a prom dress, a fish, the one ring of power, a laptop, a margarita, more Vodka, some Tequila, Cocoa, a few Mexican dishes, my deceased great grandma, a cell phone, a urinal, some guns, a nun, pliers, the entire Futurama crew, and a penguin before I found her stuffed cat.

"Here," I tossed it to him, before I noticed that Em had jam-packed the school's vending machine with all the soda in it down inside her bag. "That. Little…"

Al stared at it. Then he hugged it and pranced around.

"HEY!" Greed called over from where he was. "CAN I SING NOW?"

I shrugged. "Shoot. But I'm not gonna go through the trouble of untying you, so you'll have to sing over there."

"Squee!" Greed smiled over the cries of Scar, who was being attacked by the Penguin.

_AQUARIUS_

_There's travel in your future_

_When your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus_

_Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing whack-o-mole_

_Seventeen hours of the day_

_PISCES_

_Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos_

_With the Ebola virus_

_You are the true lord of the dance_

_No matter what those idiots at work_

_ARIES_

_The look on your face will be priceless _

_When you find that forty pound Watermelon_

_In your colon!_

_Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf_

_And give a hickey to Meryl Street_

_TAUROS_

_You will never find true happiness_

_What'cha gonna do?_

_Cry about it?_

_The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up,_

_Do a bunch of stuff_

_And then go back to sleep!_

_That's your horoscope for tooooodayyy!_

"SHUT UP! Jeeves Crimeny! YOU SUCK GREED."

Greed broke down in tears.

"Y'know what? I'm just gonna wrap this up, so I can go back to watching AMV's with a clear conscious!"

"NEXT TIME…THE FINAL VOTE! YOU CHOOSE WHO BECOMES THE NEXT FMA IDOL! Presenting… HAWKEYE! Who sang 'Baby Hit Me One More Time' by Brittany Spears!"

Hawkeye was too creeped out by Mustang and Falman to notice her name.

"And…FURY! Who sand, 'Bye, Bye, Bye' by NSYNC!"

Fury was unconscious.

"Also, ARMSTRONG, who…Uh, nevermind. Moving on! AND, THE HOMONCULI TRIO, WHO SANG, 'Fall to Pieces,' by Avril Lavigne!"

Gluttony…was um, kinda totally forgotten about in this chapter, and Lust smiled, and Envy still wailed in pain because he had been stabbed in the crotch.

"Also Presenting…BREDA! Who sang, 'Who Let the Dogs Out,' by the Baha Men!"

"I SANG ROCK LOBSTER BETTER!"

"Also including, Scar! Who proposed a death threat!"

Scar screeched as the Penguin attempted to eat his ear.

"Also, ED! Who sang a Disney Hate Song by himself!"

"FUCK DISNEY!"

"And Havoc, who sang, 'Just The Girl,' by the Click 5!"

"Mr. Squirrely-Whirrly…"

"ALSO FEATURING, MSUTANG! WHO SANG, 'Baby Got Back!' by…that one…dude…"

Everyone who had a slight bit of sanity stared at me. "You don't know who the artist is…?"

I coughed. "Um, ANYWAY, ALSO SHOWING, FALMAN! Who sang, 'I Wonder,' by Diffuser!"

"CHESKA! IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS, I SWEAR I'M NOT GAY!"

"Also, AL! WHO SANG, 'U Can't Touch This!' by MC Hammer!"

Al nodded happily until the stuffed kitty he was holding blew up for no apparent reason. "NNOO! CHUCK NORRIS!"

"Also...Greed...Who sang, 'Your Horoscope For Today,' by Wierd Al Yankovic!"

"'Tis Pimpin'!"

"...Y-yeah...AAAAND…WINRY! WHO SANG SOME WIERD EBAY SONG!"

"Better. Than. Amazon."

"Lies."

"THE CIA SAYS SO."

"…Okay then. ONLY YOUR VOTES CAN DECIDED WHO WILL BE THE NEXT. FMA. IDOL!"

Then I looked around to notice that everyone just mumbled along or were screaming or were just being stupid.

"Great guys, just great."

_**SUPER MAJOR IMPORTANT**_

_**You can vote now. Tell me in your reviews who will be the next Fma Idol. It can be any of the FMA characters who sang. Yes, even Armstrong. And the Homonculi can be as a group or individual. You choose.**_

**YAH. FINAL CHAPTER NEXT. REVIEW, DAMN YOU!**


	15. The Fuckin' End

**I seriously just need to rap this up so that I can sleep at night. Damn, it's been clinging to life for like, four-ish years now.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own FMA.**

The Friggin' End

"Okay, y'know what?" Jewel climbed onto the stage. "Guess what, guys? This fanfiction has been a zombie for about five years now, because I'm a lazy asshole." She smiled. "On top of which, Idol now has a new judge, which really destroys all the superficial logic of that show. Even more—"

"—Can you just…y'know give the award?" Fury meekly asked, currently tired of being held hostage for five years. "I'd kind of like to, well, see my family and have a little freedom."

Jewel whipped him. "SILENCE PRISONER! As I was _saying_—I was a fucktarded thirteen-year-old when I wrote this stupid sack o' shit. It's not even real writing! It's was something of a scatterbrained, brain fart! Oh, and—" she glared at Ed "—I actually LOVE Disney now."

"Not my fuckin' problem!" he yelled.

"So guess what? YOU GET NO IDOL TROPHY!"

Ed called Jewel a bitch and flipped her off.

"So, y'know what? RIZA! Take it!"

"The song I sang was completely out of character," she groaned, as she caught the thing.

"Whatever, I'm out bitches!" Jewel disappeared.

Then the cast was free. _Free_. After five long years of imprisonment, bad singing, dead cats, poor humor, out of character-ness, weird songs, psycho fans, weird plot holes, and countless Big Lipped Alligator Moments—they were free.

So they frolicked into the sun and lived happily ever after. Except Armstrong. Nobody ever found him again.


End file.
